Augustus Carp, Esq., by Himself: Being the Autobiography of a Really Good ManBashford, H. H. (Henry Howarth), Sir
General
Augustus Carp, Esq., by Himself: Being the Autobiography of a Really Good Man
Bashford, H. H. (Henry Howarth), Sir
English fiction -- 20th century; Humorous stories; Satire
The problem before the physicians was thus an exceptionally difficult
one. For while the condition of his knee demanded that he should lie
upon his back, that of his gluteal muscles was even more imperative in
demanding a position precisely opposed to this. After a considerable
argument, therefore, it was finally decided that for the first week or
ten days the position to be assumed should be a face-downwards one, with
a protective cage over the contused muscles. By this means any painful
pressure that might have been exerted by the bedclothes was avoided—an
additional protection being afforded by two discs of lint, previously
spread with a cooling ointment. For the purposes of nourishment, which
was to be ample and sustaining, my father was then to be drawn towards
the end of the bed, his head being allowed to project to a sufficient
distance to permit of nutriment being inserted from below. Owing to his
weight, this, of course, necessitated the erection of a pulley with
straps passing under his arm-pits, a return pulley with straps passing
round his ankles coming into play at the end of each meal. Even with
such assistance, however, my poor father’s plight remained an
exceedingly deplorable one; and it is scarcely to be wondered at that,
from time to time, he betrayed a marked irritability.
Prostrate as he was, however, and already conscious that his career as a
sidesman was definitely over, he flung himself almost immediately, and
with all the energy left to him, into the necessary preliminaries of the
approaching litigation. Day after day, even while still lying on his
abdomen, he held prolonged interviews with Mr. Balfour Whey, who most
considerately lay beneath my father’s bed, parallel with the sufferer
and looking up into his face. Whether, in the world’s history, an action
of such importance—for it was fully reported in most of the daily
newspapers—was ever arranged in similar circumstances I do not know,
although I doubt it. But I have certainly never seen a spectacle more
solemn and pathetic than that of these two earnest and horizontal men
vertically discussing, across the end of the bedstead, the possible
methods of legal procedure.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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