'I miss you, Piso, and the conversations which we had together. I know
not how it is, but your presence acted as a restraint upon my hot and
impatient temper. Since your departure I have been little less than mad,
and so far from being of service to Lucilia, she has been compelled to
moderate her own grief in the hope to assuage mine. I have done nothing
but rave, and curse my evil fortune. And can anything else be looked
for? How should a man be otherwise than exasperated when the very thing
he loves best in the wide universe is, without a moment's warning,
snatched away from him? A man falls into a passion if his seal is
stolen, or his rings, or his jewels, if his dwelling burns down, or his
slaves run away or die by some pestilence. And why should he not much
more when the providence of the gods, or the same power whatever it may
be that gave as a child, tears it from us again; and just then when we
have so grown into it that it is like hewing us in two? I can believe in
nothing but capricious chance. We live by chance, and so we die. Such
events are otherwise inexplicable. For what reason can by the most
ingenious be assigned for giving life for a few years to a being like
Gallus, and who then, before he is more than just past the threshold of
life, before a single power of his nature has put itself forth, but at
the moment when he is bound to his parents by ties of love which never
afterwards would be stronger--is struck dead? We can give no account of
it. It is irreconcilable with the hypothesis of an intelligent and good
Providence. It has all the features of chance upon it. A god could not
have done it unless he had been the god of Tartarus. Dark Pluto might,
or the avenging Furies, were they supreme. But away with all such
dreams! The slaves who were his proper attendants, have been scourged
and crucified. That at first gave me some relief; but already I repent
it. So it is with me; I rush suddenly upon what at the moment I think
right, and then as suddenly think and feel that I have done wrong, and
so suffer. I see and experience nothing but suffering, whichever way I
turn. Truly we are riddles. Piso, you cannot conceive of my loss. It was
our only child--and the only one we shall ever know. I wish that I
believed in the gods that I might curse them.'
And much more in the same frantic way. Time will blunt his grief; but it
will bring him I fear no other or better comfort. He hopes for oblivion
of his loss; but that can never be. He may cease to grieve as he grieves
now; but he can never cease to remember. I trust to see him again ere
long, and turn his thoughts into a better channel.
* * * * *
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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