Our hero had traversed great spaces in the region of sentiment during
the two days allowed the Hermitage to stand or crumble without him. The
first of them had been spent far from it, even as Aurora supposed, for
the sake of letting the impression of having been laughed at wear off a
little. Already for some time before that forced climax Gerald had been
haunted by the feeling that he ought to offer himself to Aurora, as it
were to regularize his status in her house. After hanging around as he
had been doing, one might almost say that good manners demanded it. Her
fashion, on that evening in the garden, of treating the idea that he
could be enamoured of her assured him that she would refuse. He would
have done his duty, and they would continue to drift, he shutting his
eyes to the penalty awaiting his self-indulgence, the taxes of pain
rolling up for the hour when her necessary departure would involve the
uprooting of every last little flower in that wretched garden of his
heart. With such a mental pattern of the future he had gone to bed at
the end of the first day.
On the next morning something perhaps in deep dreams which he did not
remember, or in the happy manner of the new day lighting a scarlet
geranium on the terrace ledge, or simply perhaps the whisper of an
angel, had effected a change. A heart-throb, a stroke of magic, had so
lifted him up that over the top of the wall edging the road of life for
him he had seen a thrilling garden outstretched, smiling in the sun, a
sight that so enkindled him with the witchery of its promises that he
felt he should seek for a way into that garden till he found it; should,
if necessary, demolish the wall.
That day he went walking on the hills beyond Settignano, and the new
light, the intoxication, persisted--the vision of himself as Aurora's
lover. Why not? An escape from the past, a different adventure from all
prefigured in his dull expectations before.... In his theory of living
Gerald had always admitted the gallant advisability of burning ships.
There was room in his theory of living for just such a divergence from
design as he now meditated. When the call comes, summon it to never so
improbable places, the poet and artist obeys. He had gone to bed on the
second night with these thoughts and a plan for the morrow.
Now that morrow was wearing to an end and all the floating splendid
courageous thoughts and feelings, brave in the assurance, along with the
determination, of victory, must be somehow caught and compressed and
turned into the language--how poverty-stricken, how stale!--of a
proposal of marriage; even as a great variegated, gold-shot,
butterfly-tinted, cloud-light tissue of the Orient is drawn into a
colorless whipcord twist that it may pass through a little ring.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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