What they are, I partly guess, and partly drew from her, in her
uncommonly frank mood. I begin to perceive that I, as well as Flora,
have been cherishing most mistaken and unsatisfactory aims. My surly
old inner self has often hinted as much, but I would not hear him.
Etty may have _her_ mistaken views too, but she has set me thinking.
Well, you crusty old curmudgeon, what has been my course since the awe
of the schoolmaster ceased to be a sort of external conscience?
"You told me study was none of my business," says Conscience, "and a
pretty piece of work you have made of it without me. Idle in college,
and, when you began to perceive the connection between study and what
people call success in life, overworking yourself, here you are, and
just beginning to bethink yourself that I might have furnished just
the right degree of stimulus, if you had but allowed it."--
Hark! hark! It is the duet! That silvery second is Etty's. I will
steal down stairs, and when they have ended, pop in, and it shall go
hard but I will have another song.
Parlor dark and empty. I fancied I heard Flora giggling somewhere, but
I might be mistaken. Yet the voices sounded as if they came from that
quarter--and--and I am sure I heard one note on the piano to give the
pitch. Hark! I hear the parlor door softly shut, and now the stairs
creak, and betray them stealing up, as they probably betrayed me
stealing down. They only blew out the lights and kept perfectly
still.--Witches!--Donkey!
Etty, your voice is still with me, clear, sweet, and penetrating, as
it was when you talked so eloquently to-night, in our dreamy ramble.--
What if I had early adopted her idea, that with every conscious power
is bound up both the duty and the pleasure of developing it? Might I
not now have reached higher ground, with health of body and mind?
Ambition is an unhealthy stimulus. A wretchedly uneasy guest too, in
the breast of an invalid. I would fain have a purer motive, which
shall dismiss or control it.
Etty,--what are the uses to be made of _her_ talents, while she lives
thus withdrawn into a world of her own? Certainly, she is wrong; I
shall convince her of it, when our friendship, now fairly planted, I
trust, shall have taken root. Now we shall be the best friends in the
world, and I will confide to her my--my--O, I am nodding over my
paper, and that click says the old clock at the stair-head is making
ready to announce midnight.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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