tormenting attraction for her, a sudden impulse of utter incredulity
seized her. Nothing was changed in the facts, nothing in the
circumstances; but Clare laid aside reason under the suddenly exerted
power of feeling, and refused to believe that Paul Ward had murdered
the unknown man in whose company he had been, and who undoubtedly had
been murdered.
"I _won't_ believe it! I don't believe it!"
These words have often been uttered by the human will, when tortured
by the terrible impotence of human despair, as unreasonably, as
obstinately, as Clare Carruthers spoke them, and with infinitely more
suffering implied in the inevitable reaction. But they can seldom have
brought greater relief. A generous, reckless impulse of youth, partly
against the terrible knowledge of evil, partly against her own
suffering, which wearied and oppressed her spirit, distant, vague,
even chimerical as she told herself it was, animated her resolution.
She rose, and stretched her arms out, and shook her golden head, as
though she discarded a baleful vision by a strong act of her will.
"I shall never see him again," she thought. "I shall never know his
fate, unless, indeed, he becomes famous, and the voice of his renown
reaches me. I shall never know the truth of this dreadful story; but,
strong as the evidence is, I never will believe it more. Never,
never!"
Clare Carruthers was too young, too little accustomed to the sad
science of self-examination, too candidly persuadable by the natural
abhorrence of youth for grief, to ask herself how much of this
resolution came from the gradual influence of time--how much from the
longing she felt to escape from the constant pressure of the first
misery she had ever known. The impulse, the resolution, had come to
her, with her first waking thoughts, one glorious morning in the early
autumn--the morning which saw George Dallas and his uncle arrive at
Homburg, and witnessed Mr. Carruthers's reception of his stepson. This
resolution she never abandoned. That day she had taken the books out
of their hiding-place, and had set herself to read the serial story
which she knew was written by him. Something of his mind, something of
his disposition, would thus reveal itself to her. It was strange that
he remembered to send her the books so punctually, but that might mean
nothing; they might be sent by the publisher, by his order. He might
have forgotten her existence by this time. Clare was sensible, and not
vain, and she saw nothing more than a simple politeness in the
circumstance. So she read the serial novel, and thought over it; but
it revealed nothing to her. There was one description, indeed, which
reminded her, vaguely, of Mrs. Carruthers, as she had been before her
illness, as Clare remembered her, when she had first seen her, years
ago. Clare liked the story. She was not enthusiastically delighted
with it. A change which her newly-formed resolution to believe him
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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