It was Mr. Bar. When she saw him, Mrs. Breadbasket stepped suddenly back
into the parlor with my ladies. “What is it, Mr. Bar?” says I; and as
quick as thought, I had the towel under his chin, Mr. Bar in the chair,
and the whole of his face in a beautiful foam of lather. Mr. Bar made
some resistance.--“Don't think of it, Mr. Cox,” says he; “don't trouble
yourself, sir.” But I lathered away and never minded. “And what's this
melancholy event, sir,” says I, “that has spread desolation in your
family's bosoms? I can feel for your loss, sir--I can feel for your
loss.”
I said so out of politeness, because I served the family, not because
Tuggeridge was my uncle--no, as such I disown him.
Mr. Bar was just about to speak. “Yes, sir,” says he, “my master's
gaw--” when at the “gaw” in walks Mr. Hock, the own man!--the finest
gentleman I ever saw.
“What, YOU here, Mr. Bar!” says he.
“Yes, I am, sir; and haven't I a right, sir?”
“A mighty wet day, sir,” says I to Mr. Hock--stepping up and making my
bow. “A sad circumstance too, sir! And is it a turn of the tongs that
you want to-day, sir? Ho, there, Mr. Crump!”
“Turn, Mr. Crump, if you please, sir,” said Mr. Hock, making a bow:
“but from you, sir, never--no, never, split me!--and I wonder how some
fellows can have the INSOLENCE to allow their MASTERS to shave them!”
With this, Mr. Hock flung himself down to be curled: Mr. Bar suddenly
opened his mouth in order to reply; but seeing there was a tiff between
the gentlemen, and wanting to prevent a quarrel, I rammed the Advertiser
into Mr. Hock's hands, and just popped my shaving-brush into Mr. Bar's
mouth--a capital way to stop angry answers.
Mr. Bar had hardly been in the chair one second, when whir comes a
hackney-coach to the door, from which springs a gentleman in a black
coat with a bag.
“What, you here!” says the gentleman. I could not help smiling, for it
seemed that everybody was to begin by saying, “What, YOU here!” “Your
name is Cox, sir?” says he; smiling too, as the very pattern of mine.
“My name, sir, is Sharpus,--Blunt, Hone and Sharpus, Middle Temple
Lane,--and I am proud to salute you, sir; happy,--that is to say, sorry
to say that Mr. Tuggeridge, of Portland Place, is dead, and your lady
is heiress, in consequence, to one of the handsomest properties in the
kingdom.”
At this I started, and might have sunk to the ground, but for my hold of
Mr. Bar's nose; Orlando seemed putrified to stone, with his irons fixed
to Mr. Hock's head; our respective patients gave a wince out:--Mrs. C.,
Jemimarann, and Tug, rushed from the back shop, and we formed a splendid
tableau such as the great Cruikshank might have depicted.
“And Mr. John Tuggeridge, sir?” says I.
“Why--hee, hee, hee!” says Mr. Sharpus. “Surely you know that he was
only the--hee, hee, hee!--the natural son!”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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