Bildungsromans; English fiction -- 20th century; Women musicians -- Fiction
A cold May day, so chilly that a fire seemed the most welcome thing on
earth. Seven in the evening, and it was the last lesson of the quarter.
When she reached “Claremont,” Verreker was not there. He had been up
to the City, and a slight accident outside Liverpool Street Station
had delayed the trains. The maid showed her into the music-room and
left her alone. She sat in one of the big chairs by the fire and felt
astonishingly miserable. The room had regained its normal condition;
the surplus furniture, the books, papers, writing-desk, etc., had
been taken away: but a grandfather clock that had not originally been
there now occupied a permanent position in the corner. The embers were
burning low, and shadows were darkening all around: the black and white
vista of piano keys straggled obscurely in the background; the clock
was ticking sleepily away. Far into the dim distance of the ceiling
loomed the polished splendour of the raised sound-board....
Why did she feel miserable?
It was something in her soul.
She got up and sat down at the piano.
With no discoverable motive she commenced to play the piece that she
now knew was Chopin’s Black Note Etude (in G flat). It was the one she
had heard years ago when she stood in the scented dusk of the Ridgeway
in front of the house with the corner bay-window. Since then she had
learned it thoroughly and played it many times on concert platforms.
But as she played it now it sounded new, or rather, it sounded as if
she had heard it only once before, and that was many years ago in the
summer twilight. All between was a gap, a void which only the Chopin
Etude could bridge....
(In her strange mood she was playing it most abominably, by the way.)
She paused in the middle. Her eyes were like dark gems amidst the red
glory of her hair.
“I’m not in love with _any person_,” she told herself with
incredible calmness. “I’m not in love with anybody in the world. But
I’m in love with _Something_. Some Thing! Very deeply, very
passionately, I am. And I don’t know what it is.... I keep finding
it and losing it again. But it’s in this”--she started the first few
bars of the Chopin piece--“it’s all everywhere in that. I knew it was
there when I stood and listened to it years ago. Oh, it’s there. And
I’ve heard and seen it in other places, too. But as yet it’s been only
a _thing_.... But some day, maybe, I’ll tack it on to somebody
living, and then ... God help me! ...”
Her fingers flew over the keys, and the great octaves began to sing out
in the left hand.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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