'What a horrible man... he attacked me, ill-treated me... what for?'
Her thoughts turned aside. 'He should be put in prison.... If father
knew it, or John knew it, he would be put in prison, and for a very
long time.... Why did he attack me? ... Perhaps to rob me; yes, to rob
me, of course, to rob me.' To rob her, and of what?... of her watch;
where was it? It was gone. The watch was gone.... But, had she lost
it? Should she go back and see if she could find it? Oh! impossible!
see the place again--impossible! search among the gorse--impossible!
Then, as her thoughts broke away, she thought of how she had escaped
being murdered. How thankful she ought to be! But somehow she was not
thankful. She was conscious of a horror of returning, of returning to
where she would see men and women's faces. 'I cannot go home,' thought
the girl, and acting in direct contradiction to her thoughts, she
walked forward. Her parasol--where was it? It was broken. She brushed
herself, she picked bits of furze from her dress. She held each away
from her and let it drop in a silly, vacant way, all the while running
the phrases over in her mind: 'He threw me down and ill-treated me; my
frock is ruined, what a state it is in! I had a narrow escape of being
murdered. I will tell them that... that will explain ... I had a
narrow escape of being murdered.' But presently she grew conscious
that these thoughts were fictitious thoughts, and that there was a
thought, a real thought, lying in the background of her mind, which
she dared not face; and failing to do so, she walked on hurriedly, she
almost ran as if to force out of sight the thought that for a moment
threatened to define itself. Suddenly she stopped; there were some
children playing by the farm gate. They did not know that she was by,
and she listened to their childish prattle.
XI.
The front door was open; she heard her father calling. But she felt
she could not see him, she must hide from his sight, and dashing
upstairs she double-locked her door.
The sky was still flushed, there was light upon the sea, but the room
was dim and quiet. Her room! she had lived in many years, had seen it
under all aspects; then why did she look with strained eyes? Why did
she shrink? Nothing has been changed.
There is her little narrow bed, and her little book-case full of
novels and prayer-books; there is her work-basket by the fireplace, by
the fireplace closed in with curtains that she herself embroidered;
above her pillow there is a crucifix; there are photographs of the
Miss Austins, and pictures of pretty children, cut from the Christmas
numbers, on the walls. She started at the sight of these familiar
objects, and trembled in the room which she had thought of as a haven
of refuge. Why? She didn't know; something that is at once remembrance
and suspicion filled her mind, and she asked if this was her room?
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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