F.--Dismiss the apprehension: I am as great a fool as yourself. But there is a way by which in future you may resolve a similar doubt. D.--Explain. F.--Speak to your guest of symptomatic diagnosis. If he is an angel, he will not resent it. * * * * * III. SOLDIER (_reading from "Napier"_).--"Who would not rather be buried by an army upon the field of battle than by a sexton in a church-yard!" FOOL.--I give it up. S.--I am not aware that any one has asked you for an opinion. F.--I am not aware that I have given one: there is a happiness yet in store for you. S.--I will revel in anticipation. F.--You must revel somehow; without revelry there would be no soldiering. S.--Idiot. F.--I beg your pardon: I had thought your profession had at least taught you to call people by their proper titles. In the service of mankind I hold the rank of Fool. S.--What, ho! without there! Let the trumpets sound! F.--I beg you will not. S.--True; you beg: I will not. F.--But why rob when stealing is more honourable? S.--Consider the competition. * * * * * FOOL.--Sir Cut-throat, how many orphans have you made to-day? SOLDIER.--The devil an orphan! Have you a family? F.--Put up your iron; I am the last of my race. S.--How? No more fools? F.--Not one, so help me! They have all gone to the wars. S.--And why, pray, have _you_ not enlisted? F.--I should be no fool if I knew. * * * * * FOOL.--You are somewhat indebted to me. SOLDIER.--I do not acknowledge your claim. Let us submit the matter to arbitration. F.--The only arbiter whose decision you respect is on your own side. S.--You allude to my sword, the most impartial of weapons: it cuts both ways. F.--And each way is peculiarly objectionable to your opponent. S.--But for what am I indebted to you? F.--For existence: the prevalence of me has made you possible. S.--The benefit is not conspicuous; were it not for your quarrels, I should enjoy a quantity of elegant leisure. F.--As a clodhopper. S.--I should at least hop my clods in a humble and Christian spirit; and if some other fellow did did not so hop his--! I say no more. F.--You have said enough; there would be war. * * * * * SOLDIER.--Why wear a cap and bells? FOOL.--I hasten to crave pardon, and if spared will at once exchange them. S.--For what? F.--A helmet and feather. S.--G "hang a calf-skin on those recreant limbs." F.--'T is only wisdom should be bound in calf. S.--Why? F.--Because wisdom is the veal of which folly is the matured beef. S.--Then folly should be garbed in cow-skin? F.--Aye, that it might the more speedily appear for what it is--the naked truth. S.--How should it? F.--You would soon strip off its hide to make harness and trappings withal. No one thinks how much conquerors owe to cows. * * * * * FOOL.--Tell me, hero, what is strategy?