MAJOR. Then why don't you go? JOSEPH. I don't know which way to go, sir! I can't answer both bells at once, sir! (_here both bells are heard to ring again_). _Enter DR. PRETTYWELL at C._ JOSEPH (_to MAJOR_). What am I to do, sir? DOCTOR (_coming down_). Do what you are doing now! JOSEPH. I ain't doing nothing, sir. DOCTOR. Then keep on doing nothing. It's about the best thing you _can_ do. JOSEPH. But I shall catch it from _both_ my missusses, sir! DOCTOR. At first perhaps you _will;_ but when they find they've both fared alike, they'll each feel secretly flattered by the inattention you show to the other. Go to your work. JOSEPH. Yes, sir. [_Exit at C._ DOCTOR. Well, friend Jeremiah! MAJOR. Well, friend Vicessimus! DOCTOR. I seem to have dropped in at rather an unlucky moment; but frankly, if I were to wait till your domestic barometer pointed to "calm and settled" weather, I'm afraid my visits wouldn't be very frequent. MAJOR. True, my dear doctor. DOCTOR. I don't know how you manage it, but you generally contrive to have a thunder-storm, more or less violent, rumbling over this house of yours. MAJOR. True again, and I'll tell you why. Because this "house of mine," as you call it, is constantly exposed to two discordant elements from opposite directions, but invariably coming into contact and exploding _here!_ DOCTOR. I don't exactly understand. MAJOR. It's very simple. Living here with my mother and my wife, who _both_ claim to be "monarch of all they survey," I, the master of the house-- DOCTOR. Find yourself cutting rather a contemptible figure--eh? MAJOR. Very much so. It would be easy enough to do as Georgina wishes, _or_ my mother, but to do as they _both_ wish is impossible, for the simple reason that no two women ever wish the same thing, _consequently,_ the result is anger on one side, sulky looks on the other; one invokes her title of "mother," the other her privileges of "wife;" consequently, between the two-- DOCTOR. You come in for more kicks than half-pence? MAJOR. Considerably more! In fact, _all_ kicks. DOCTOR. And yet I don't know a more charming, amiable person than your excellent mother. I've known and admired her for more than thirty years; in fact, had it depended on me, I might very possibly have been your father. MAJOR. Thank you. But I'm very well satisfied as I am; besides, the thing couldn't be done now. DOCTOR. Not conveniently! However, she preferred marrying the "author of your being," so there was an end of my romance! But to return to these unfortunate domestic quarrels; from what I know of your mother, I am convinced the fault lies with your wife. MAJOR. And from what I know of my wife, I'm certain it lies with my mother. DOCTOR. Then, my good friend, why not at once put an end to these personal and conjugal troubles of yours? MAJOR. How?