DOCTOR. Simply thus. Appoint one of the two contending parties--no matter which--to the sole control of your domestic affairs; support her authority through thick and thin, give her credit for always being right, even when she's wrong, and the thing's done! MAJOR. A very good plan, I dare say, but, unluckily, it's impracticable. DOCTOR. Why? MAJOR. Because it would require a considerable amount of _pluck_ to carry it out, and I hain't got an atom. DOCTOR. Nonsense! You've only to show a proper spirit. MAJOR. How can I do that when I hain't any spirit _at all?_ DOCTOR. Pshaw! Recollect, Nero was a perfect lamb at starting, and yet he fiddled when Rome was burning. MAJOR. But I'm not a Nero! Besides, I hain't got a fiddle, and I couldn't fiddle if I had. MRS. P. } (_from rooms R. and L.--together_). Joseph! MRS. MAJOR. } Joseph! DOCTOR. Here they both come! Do as I tell you, pluck up a proper spirit; in the mean time I'll beat a retreat (_runs out at C._). MAJOR (_shouting after him_). Coward! to leave me alone to the mercy of two exasperated females! _Enter MRS. PELICAN hurriedly at R. H._ MRS. P. This is perfectly intolerable! MRS. MAJOR. It's absolutely unbearable! (_entering hurriedly at L. H._). MRS. P. To take no notice of my bell! MRS. MAJOR. What's the use of my ringing? MRS. P. Oh! here you are, son Jeremiah. MAJOR. Yes, my dear mother; (_aside_) and I devoutly wish I was anywhere else! MRS. P. (_turning him round towards her_). I appeal to you to see that my authority in this house is respected! MAJOR (_with pretended surprise_). What! Has any one dared-- MRS. MAJOR (_turning him towards her_). I presume you won't allow _me_ to be treated with inattention? MAJOR. (_with pretended surprise again_). What! Has any one presumed-- MRS. P. (_aside to him_). But what's the matter with your wife? She seems out of temper! MAJOR. Yes! because Joseph didn't attend to her summons at once. When _you_ require him, he knows better than to do _that!_ MRS. MAJOR (_aside to him_). Your mother appears annoyed at something or other? MAJOR. No wonder! Joseph didn't answer her bell. He knows better than keep _you_ waiting. (_Aside._) What a humbug I am! MRS. P. By-the-bye, Jeremiah, I have ordered dinner an hour later to-day. MRS. MAJOR. Indeed? and for what reason, pray? MRS. P. Because it suits me. MAJOR. Oh! of course, my dear Georgina, if it suits her-- MRS. MAJOR. But it doesn't suit _me._ I expect Mr. Simcox, the jeweller, early this evening, and cannot dine later than five. MAJOR. Oh! of course, my dear mother, if she expects Mr. Simcox-- MRS. P. It's too late now, the dinner will be served at six o'clock. MRS. MAJOR. I won't give way! It will be on the table at five. MRS. P. Six. MRS. MAJOR. Five. MAJOR (_aside_). There they are again! hard at it! hammer and tongs! _Enter JOSEPH, running, at C._ JOSEPH. Please, ma'am, please, sir, here's Miss Fanny just driven up in a cab from the station!