MRS. MAJOR. Nothing so simple, Joseph! Tell Mary to put up a bed for Miss Fanny in her mamma's room! MRS. P. (_sharply_). What's that? Put up a bed in my room? MRS. MAJOR. Yes! Why not? MRS. P. Because I won't allow it! MAJOR (_aside_). There they are, at it again! FANNY. But why can't I have my own snug little room? MRS. MAJOR. The fact is, I have made a work-room of it for myself; besides, Fanny's proper place is with her mother. MRS. P. Quite out of the question! The slightest noise disturbs my sleep. FANNY. But I sleep so very quietly, mamma--you'd scarcely hear me breathe; _I_ don't, and as for snoring-- MRS. P. I won't hear another word. MAJOR. But, hang it all, Fanny must sleep _somewhere!_ She requires a horizontal position as much as other people. MRS. P. Then let her find one--but not in _my_ room! MRS. MAJOR. I insist on my wishes being carried out. FANNY (_aside to MAJOR_). Oh, brother Jeremiah, if I was only in your place just for five minutes! MAJOR (_aside_). She's quite right! I'm master here after all, confound it! If I'm _not_, I ought to be; and if I ought to be, I _will_ be, confound it! (_Aloud, and assuming an authoritative manner._) My patience is exhausted! Anarchy has presided too long over my domestic hearth. FANNY (_aside to him_). Confound it! MAJOR. Confound it! MRS. P. } } Quite true! MRS. MAJOR. } MAJOR. And henceforth I'm determined to be master of my own house. (_FANNY whispers him._) Confound it! MAJOR. But there must be a mistress as well. MRS. P. } } Of course! Well (_anxiously_), decide between us. MRS. MAJOR. } MAJOR. That's what I'm going to do. (_Aside._) It's really very awkward! My mother screams loudest, but my wife screams longest; besides, I only hear my mother in the day, whereas my wife-- MRS. P. (_to MAJOR_). Well? which of the two is to be mistress here? MRS. MAJOR. Yes, which of the two? MAJOR (_after a violent effort_). My wife! There! I've said it. (_FANNY whispers him._) Confound it! MRS. P. Ah! (_screaming and falling into a chair_). MRS. MAJOR. Come, major, and as your reward you shall hear me issue my orders in such a style. [_Exit at L. H., hurrying MAJOR with her, and calling, as she goes out,_ Joseph! Mary! Sophia! MRS. P. (_suddenly starting up from her chair_). So! she--_she's_ to be everybody, and _I'm_ to be nobody! a cipher, a nonentity! Was there ever such ingratitude? I, who left my own home to live with them, without even waiting to be asked, to give them the benefit of my experience, to take upon myself the entire control of their domestic affairs--nay, even to carry my maternal affection so far as not to allow either of them to interfere in anything whatever! FANNY (_aside_). Poor dear mamma! she doesn't see that's the very reason why everything went wrong.