Then what caballings about the invited; what scrutiny into rank and station,--"what set they were in," and whom did they visit; with little Star-chamber inquisitions as to character, all breaches of which, it is but fair to state, were most charitably deemed remediable if the party had any pretension to social position; for not only the saint in crape was twice a saint in lawn, but the satin sinner was pardonable where the "washing silk" would have been found guilty without a "recommendation." Then there was eternal tuning of the pianoforte, which most perversely insisted on not suiting voices that might have sung duets with a peacock. Quadrilles were practised in empty rooms; and Miss Timmock was actually seen trying to teach Blotter to waltz,--a proceeding, I rejoice to say, that the moral feeling of the household at once suppressed. And then, what a scene of decoration went forward in all the apartments! As in certain benevolent families, whatever is uneatable is always given to the poor, so here, all the artificial flowers unavailable for the toilet were generously bestowed to festoon along the walls, to conceal tin sconces, and to wreathe round rickety chandeliers. Contrivance--that most belauded phenomenon in Nature's craft--was everywhere. If necessity be the mother of invention, poor gentility is the "stepmother." Never were made greater efforts, or greater sacrifices incurred, to make Mrs. D. appear like a "West-end" leader of fashion, and to make the establishment itself seem a Holderness House. As for me, I was the type of a stage servant,--one of those creatures who hand round coffee in the "School for Scandal." My silk stockings were embroidered with silver, and my showy coat displayed a bouquet that might have filled a vase. In addition to these personal graces, I had long been head of my department; all the other officials, from the negro knife-cleaner upwards, besides all those begged, borrowed, and, I believe I might add, stolen domestics of other families, being placed under my orders. Among the many functions committed to me, the drilling of these gentry stood first in difficulty, not only because they were rebellious under control, but because I had actually to invent "the discipline during parade." One golden rule, however, I had adopted, and never suffered myself to deviate from, viz., to do nothing as it had been done before,--a maxim which relieved me from all the consequences of inexperience. Traditions are fatal things for a radical reformer; and I remembered having heard it remarked how Napoleon himself first sacrificed his dignity by attempting an imitation of the monarchy. By this one precept I ruled and squared all my conduct.