"_Gout_, my dear sir, nothing but gout," laughing lightly, as though the whole matter was as simple as possible. "Allow me to congratulate you. This will add ten years to your life. A very fashionable, indeed, I may say a very aristocratic, complaint it is just now." Sir Percival's face broadened with a genial smile--mine lengthened. I have always had a constitutional, it may have been a prophetic, objection to gout, and now I was coolly told its clutches were already upon me. "Really, sir," said I, "I cannot imagine what should lead you to say this. I am not aware of having any symptoms of this malady." "Of course not, of course not. Why, if people knew what was the matter with them, and how to treat themselves, where would be the use of us doctors? We should soon become only an additional item, and a rather large one, in your poor-rates. But you limped a little, Mr. Slocombe, as you entered my room; may I ask why?" "Bunions," I replied, with decision, "very bad bunions." "But not always equally painful? Worse some days, and better others? Boots feel a good fit this week and unbearably tight the next? Bunion red, shiny, swollen and puffy to the touch?" I bowed my head in assent. "Just so, just so. Call it _bunions_, Mr. Slocombe, if you please. Ha, ha! a capital joke, that; but _gout_ is a shorter word to say, and a truer one; don't waste too much breath or too many syllables over your ailments." I was beginning to hate the pleasant laugh that made so light of my distresses, and I asked rather stiffly: "What do you prescribe, Sir Percival?" "Been abroad much? No? That's right. Change of air and scene will do you infinite good, cheer up your spirits, and give you something fresh to think about. Let me see, Salzbrun, I think, will be the thing for you; charming place, very lively. Put yourself under the care of my good friend Dr. Trinkwasser; he will regulate your use of the mineral waters, and in six weeks they will make another man of you. No more _gout_ then, sir. I'll write you a little prescription for present use." (Scribble, scribble, scribble, went the long-tailed goose-quill.) "There, sir, that note explains to Dr. Trinkwasser all that I need tell him. Start this week, if possible; _bon voyage_! Good-day; _thank you_, much obliged. _Good_-morning." And leaving a neatly-papered fee in the white hand that shook mine, I quitted the doctor's presence to think over the advice he had given me.