I will stand my trial like a brick, And to my business I will stick, I will all the silly old ladies nick, My name is Madame Rachel. Now there was an old woman, list to my tale, Her name was Mrs Sparrowtail, I promised her a husband without fail, She bothered Madame Rachel. She came to me with money in hand, She said she wanted a nice young man, I saw the old fool had plenty of browns She had just fifteen thousand pounds, It was very tempting, upon my word, I looked at her like a strayed bird, I said I’ll marry you to a lord, My name is Madame Rachel. To please the old woman I did not fail, I flattered and coaxed Mrs Sparrowtail, Got all her money by telling a tale, She was pleased with Madame Rachel. I got her a man, lawks how he did laugh He saw Mrs Sparrowtail in the bath, He viewed her chignon when he did her see, And said that old woman won’t do for me, But I wheedled out of her money so fine, I dressed her old chignon behind, A lord for a husband did her fine, That suited Madame Rachel. Now let the world say what they will, I will be Madame Rachel still, Ladies, lovely, I make you will, If you’ll come to Madame Rachel; To polish up, my dear, I’m clever, I will beautify you girls for ever, I will enamel your face, your legs and hands, If you want a husband I’ll yet you a man, Yes, my dears, if a husband you desire, I’ll get you a marquis, a lord, or squire, Who will look in a bath and you admire, Now listen to Madame Rachel. Why should I disturb my mind, They to punish me a way can’t find, I shall leave my ticket at Number Nine, Enquire for Madame Rachel; I am the woman who can you please, I can polish your skin, anoint your knees, I can enamel your pretty chignons so clever, I can make you all sweet beauties for ever. I say Mrs Sparrowtail was a fool, And of the old woman I made a fool, To polish old ladies shall be my rule, It shall, says Madame Rachel. My trial is not ended yet, Then why should Madame Rachel fret, I think acquitted I shall get, They can’t hang Madame Rachel; I think next sessions all be right, And while I live I will do as I like, If an old fool with plenty of browns Only say about fifteen thousand pounds, I will tickle her up upon my word, I’ll make her as lovely as a bird, And if she wants a husband get her a lord. Am I not right, says Madame Rachel. Disley, Printer, High Street, St. Giles, London. FUNNY DOINGS IN THE CONVENT.