Commissioner: Well, what have you to say about Prince Albert? I suppose he wears his clothes like other people?--Tailor: Ah! that’s all a mistake, ’cause I’ve heerd that some knowing Jarman has hinwented new fashioned unmentionables, wot all-- Commissioner: There, there, we don’t want to hear any more of this nonsense. What have you got to say against the defendant?--Plaintiff: Vy, my lord, it’s “a plain unwarnished tale.” Master Gilpin steers himself into my shop, and ses to me, “Tim, old feller, I vant you to make me a hout-and-hout pair of _kicksies_, ’cause I vonts to show off a bit at _Court_ in ’em.” In course, me lord, I vos regularly flabbergasted to hear a kiddy as vos only a “buss cove” talk in sich a way, but it soon comed out as he vos a going to lodge in Pennyvinkle-court, vich is close in our neighbourwood, me lord; and then he said he vos a goin to be married. “Poor devil,” ses I, “you’re a goin to tie a knot as I should be werry glad to untie.” As bad luck ’ud have it, my old woman heard me, and didn’t I cotch it nicely. Commissioner: Well, did you make him any trousers after all?--Plaintiff: Oh! yes; and arter altering ’em three times the warmint would’nt pay a farden. Commissioner: What did he complain of?--Plaintiff: ’Cause they didn’t fit tight to his legs, though I told him it warn’t the fashion. The Commissioner told the defendant that he was ready to hear anything that he might have to say about the matter.--Defendant: I was fool enough to let this old spooney have some cloth to make a pair of trousers, and when I came to try them on, I found them so tight at the top that I couldn’t button them, and the legs were large enough to have admitted my whole body. He pretended to alter them--they were worse than before.--Plaintiff: I made them in the “Albert style,” yer vorship, so that shows the wagabone’s bad taste.--Defendant: If Prince Albert ever wore sich a pair of _kicksies_ as them I’ll eat my hat. Commissioner: How much are you willing to allow him for his trouble?--Defendant: Not the ghost of a mag; why should I?--ar’n’ he spoiled my breeches?--Plaintiff: Some people as is werry ugly, thinks the tailor ought to make ’em look handsome. Now, my lord, ’cause this pig-headed hobgoblin didn’t look a regular _cock wenus_ in the breeches, he lays it all to me. Commissioner: Now if you had contented yourself with making him look like a “buss cove,” as you describe him, instead of trying to _Albertise_ him, you would, in all probability, have given satisfaction. You should never try to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.--Plaintiff: That’s very true. It is labour in wain to try to make a gemman out of sich a wulgar blackguard.--Defendant: Keep a civil tongue in your head, old bandy legs.--Plaintiff: Take a fit, young gallus. You arn’t no sich a _cock wenus_, pug-nose, arter all. Commissioner: We cannot allow this. The defendant will pay 5s and the costs.