Friend John will, no doubt, as usual, call to his assistance his native incredulity, and ask for proof against his “pals,” the grocer and coffee-dealer. To satisfy his just curiosity let him look to the same file of papers to which he was referred respecting tea, and there he will have no reason to be longer hard of belief. He will there find that one “_gentleman_ grocer,” disliking the trouble of grinding horse-beans, pigeon’s beans, &c. proceeded by short hand, and threw in a dash (not a _pinch_) of gravel or sand; for which act of kindness towards his customers he was convicted in the penalty of £50. See the case of The King against Chaloner, a tea and coffee dealer. But, probably, John, when he finds himself no longer able to cling to his strong hold—incredulity—will exclaim, shew us, then, your chemical test and analysis.—Ah! John, the coffee sophisticator is too much for us; his art is beyond the reach of short or long tests, or of hard or easy ones: he may do as he likes, unless thou canst put thy hoof upon some of his nicely packed-up parcels; and to accomplish this purpose thou, or thy representative, the poor, badly-paid, half-starved, ill-requited Excise-officer, must detect him in his machinations on his own proper “dominium” or “natale solum:” scarcely any other detection will satisfy that old lady’s scrupulosity and exactness—that “golden calf” of thy idolatry—that “all perfect and superhuman mass of incongruity and intricacy”—THE LAW. Thou, therefore, seest plainly that the only certain way to have a drop of the “pure stuff” is to purchase the berry in its raw state and roast it, and what is still more important, _to grind_ it thyself. But, if thou dost not understand all these processes to a-t—, thou mayst find them, with some other very interesting arcana of the science, detailed in a work which I shall shortly publish for the instruction and guidance of housekeepers of all kinds and descriptions, and which I shall entitle “_The Housekeepers’ Guide to Domestic Comfort, Household Management, and Practical Economy_.” This, John, I intend shall be a rare work—quite a tit-bit for thy fancy; and the price a mere “four-penny matter.” It shall not be a “marrowless collection of shreds and patches, and cuttings and pastings,” selected or stolen out of old useless books, but a collection of practical facts, conducing to domestic comfort and real economy. As I must, friend John, have, by the foregoing particulars, alarmed thy coffee-drinking propensities, it is but fair to let thee into the secret of ascertaining good coffee.