He sees that his poor plea, instead of, as he had faintly hoped, a
little bettering his position with her, has, read by the light of her
mistaken knowledge, only served to intensify in her eyes the blackness
of his inconstancy. Well, it is only one more added to the heap of
earth's unnumbered injustices. It is only that Betty has done her work
thoroughly this time. But he cannot bear to meet the reproachful anguish
of the face that is bent above him, knowing that never on this side the
grave can he set himself right with her. If only it might be for ever,
instead of for these few hurrying moments, that he could shut out the
light of day! The clock ticks on evenly. It sounds unnaturally loud and
brutal in his singing ears; but its tick is not mixed with any light
noise of retreating footsteps. She is still lingering near him, and by
and by a long sob shudders out on the air.
'If you could persuade me that I was wrong,' she wails; 'if you could
persuade me that it was some hideous delusion of my eyes--people have
had such before now--that it existed only in my wicked fancy! Oh, if you
could--if you could!'
'I cannot,' he replies hoarsely; 'you know that I cannot. Why do you
torment me?' He has answered without looking up, still maintaining the
attitude dictated by his despair; but when a little rustle of drapery
tells him that she is really departing, he can no longer contain
himself, but falls at her feet, crying out, 'Tell me how bad my
punishment is to be!'
For a moment she looks down on him silently, her face all quivering as
with some fiery pain; then in a very low voice:
'Punishment!' she says; 'punishment! There is no question of
_punishment_. It is only that you have killed my heart.'
'Killed--your--heart!' he repeats blankly, as if too stunned to take in
the meaning of the phrase.
'Yes,' she says, breathing fast and heavily; 'yes. I do not think you
knew what you were doing. I believe it was a sudden madness that seized
you--such a madness as,' with a touch of scorn, 'may be common to men. I
know but little of them and their ways; but--but--what security have I
against its seizing you a second time?'
He writhes. A second time? Oh, if she did but know how little it had
seized him the first!
'If I married you now,' she goes on, her voice gaining a greater
firmness, and a new and forlorn stability coming into her white face, 'I
should love you, certainly. Yes,' with a melancholy shake of her head,
'I think that I shall never leave off loving you now. But if I married
you, I should make you very unhappy; I should not take things easily--I
should not be patient. And however happy we might be when we were
together, since you have killed my trust in you, you would never be out
of sight that I should not be fancying that you were--as--as--as I saw
you last night.'
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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