France -- Social life and customs -- 19th century -- Fiction
It was on this day that Pascal saw his neighbor, M. Bellombre, for the
last time. Going over to the window he perceived him in his garden, in
the pale sunshine of early November, taking his accustomed walk; and
the sight of the old professor, living so completely happy in his
solitude, filled him at first with astonishment. He could never have
imagined such a thing possible, as that a man of sixty-nine should live
thus, without wife or child, or even a dog, deriving his selfish
happiness from the joy of living outside of life. Then he recalled his
fits of anger against this man, his sarcasms about his fear of life,
the catastrophes which he had wished might happen to him, the hope that
punishment would come to him, in the shape of some housekeeper, or some
female relation dropping down on him unexpectedly. But no, he was still
as fresh as ever, and Pascal was sure that for a long time to come he
would continue to grow old like this, hard, avaricious, useless, and
happy. And yet he no longer execrated him; he could even have found it
in his heart to pity him, so ridiculous and miserable did he think him
for not being loved. Pascal, who suffered the pangs of death because he
was alone! He whose heart was breaking because he was too full of
others. Rather suffering, suffering only, than this selfishness, this
death of all there is in us of living and human!
In the night which followed Pascal had another attack of angina
pectoris. It lasted for five minutes, and he thought that he would
suffocate without having the strength to call Martine. Then when he
recovered his breath, he did not disturb himself, preferring to speak
to no one of this aggravation of his malady; but he had the certainty
that it was all over with him, that he might not perhaps live a month
longer. His first thought was Clotilde. Should he then never see her
again? and so sharp a pang seized him that he believed another attack
was coming on. Why should he not write to her to come to him? He had
received a letter from her the day before; he would answer it this
morning. Then the thought of the envelopes occurred to him. If he
should die suddenly, his mother would be the mistress and she would
destroy them; and not only the envelopes, but his manuscripts, all his
papers, thirty years of his intelligence and his labor. Thus the crime
which he had so greatly dreaded would be consummated, the crime of
which the fear alone, during his nights of fever, had made him get up
out of bed trembling, his ear on the stretch, listening to hear if they
were forcing open the press. The perspiration broke out upon him, he
saw himself dispossessed, outraged, the ashes of his work thrown to the
four winds. And when his thoughts reverted to Clotilde, he told himself
that everything would be satisfactorily arranged, that he had only to
call her back—she would be here, she would close his eyes, she would
defend his memory. And he sat down to write at once to her, so that the
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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