At Mr. Beckford’s sale at Fonthill, a gentleman purchased a bed at a very high price, and found, when it was knocked down to him, that he had bid against his most intimate acquaintance. This gentleman immediately came up, and, shaking him by the hand, made urgent enquiry after his health, which the purchaser of the bed assured him was never so well. “I am rejoiced to hear it,” said the other, “because, in that case, I am sure you will let me have the bargain.” “Nay, my dear friend,” said the purchaser, “what has that to do with it?” “Because,” said he, “if you are quite well, you cannot want to keep your bed.” HALF THE CURE. A gentleman, who drank very hard, being seized with a fever, had a consultation of physicians, and while they, in his bedroom, disputed about the best method of abating the thirst and curing the fever,--“Gentlemen,” said the patient, “permit me to put in a word, and I will engage to take half the trouble off your hands; do you cure the fever, and I will abate the thirst myself.” JEREMY TAYLOR. When Jeremy Taylor was introduced to the Archbishop of Canterbury, he was told by the prelate that his extreme youth was a bar to his present employment. “If your grace,” replied Taylor, “will excuse me this fault, I promise, if I live, to mend it.” BORROWED FACE. An officer of a disbanded regiment applying to his agent for his arrears, told him that he was in the most extreme want, and on the point of dying with hunger. The agent seeing him of a jovial and ruddy aspect, replied, that his countenance belied his complaint. “Good sir,” replied the officer, “for heaven’s sake! do not mistake; the visage you see is not mine, but my landlady’s; for she has fed me on trust for these two years.” SINGULARITY AN ADVANTAGE. A woman of excellent sense, and somewhat of a satiric turn of mind, was asked by her friends if she really intended to marry Mr. ----, adding, that Mr. ---- was a good kind of man, but _so very_ singular. “Well,” replied the lady, “so much the better; if he is very much unlike other men, he is more likely to make a good husband.” LOOKING GLASSES. Lady C----, an old coquette, and very fond of her reminiscences, and a censor of all present fashions and arts, looking into her glass, beheld sundry wrinkles, freckles, &c. “Now, here is my new glass,” said her ladyship, “not worth a farthing. They cannot make mirrors so well as they used to do.” ABSENTERS. A gentleman, on a tour through the west of England, happened to be at a very populous town on a Sunday, and being acquainted with the minister, he accompanied him to church, which, to his great surprise, was very thinly attended. As they were returning home, he asked his friend “if there were any dissenters in this town.” “No,” said the other, “but there are numerous _ab_senters.” A SHREWD GUESS. A lad delivering milk, was asked what made it so warm. “I don’t know,” replied he with much simplicity, “unless they put in warm water instead of cold.”