Lord Craven, in King James the First’s reign, was very desirous to see Ben Johnson; which being told to Ben, he went to my Lord’s house; but being in a very shabby condition, the porter refused him admittance, with some saucy language, which the other did not fail to return. My Lord, happening to come out while they were wrangling, asked the occasion for it. Ben, who stood in need of no one to speak for him, said, “He understood that his lordship desired to see him.” “You, friend!” said my lord, “who are you?” “Ben Johnson,” replied the other, “No, no,” quoth his lordship, “you cannot be Ben Johnson who wrote the _Silent Woman_; you look as if you could not say Boo to a goose.” “Boo!” cried Ben. “Very well,” said my lord, who was more pleased at the joke than offended at the affront; “I am now convinced you are Ben Johnson.” MRS. MONTAGUE AND CHARLES FOX. Mrs. Montague was one day conversing with Mr. Fox in her own house. In the course of the conversation the lady grew warm; at last she was so much nettled by some remark of Mr. Fox’s, that she declared to him she did not care three skips of a louse for him. Mr. Fox turned aside, and in a few moments produced the following impromptu: “Says Montague to me, and in her own house, I do not care for you three skips of a louse, I forgive it; for woman, however well bred, Will still talk of that which _runs most in their head_!” THE QUACK DOCTOR. A quack doctor, in one of his bills, said he could bring living witnesses to prove the efficacy of his nostrum, “which is more,” says he “than others in my line can do.” CHARMING CONDESCENSION. On one occasion when John Kemble played Hamlet in the country, the gentleman who acted Guildenstern was, or imagined himself to be, a capital musician. Hamlet asks him, “Will you play upon this pipe?” “My lord, I cannot.” “I do beseech you?” “Well, if your lordship insists on it, I shall do as well as I can;” and to the confusion of Hamlet, and the great amusement of the audience, he played _God save the king_. MATRIMONY. Bishop Andrews, the favourite preacher of King James the First, in his sermon on matrimony, says that ten woman are driven to the altar for one that is led to it. THE MISER. An old miser, who had a footman that had a good appetite, and ate fast, but was slow when sent on a message, used to wish that his servant would eat with his feet and walk with his teeth. A WINDOW IN THE BELLY. “I wish,” said Rigby to Charles Fox, “that you would stand out of my light, or that you had a window in that great belly of yours.” “What,” said Charles, “that you might lay an additional tax upon it, I suppose.” INGENIOUS REASON.