Authors, English -- 20th century -- Biography; Blackwood, Algernon, 1869-1951
The rolling-stone went rolling, therefore, somewhat in this spirit,
which helped and comforted, which made most things possible, bearable
at any rate, because it was the outcome of that strange inner
conviction established in my blood, a conviction, as mentioned, neither
argument nor evidence could alter.
Letters from home, home memories as well, pertained now to some
distant, unrecoverable region that was dead and gone. My mother’s
letters--one every week without a single omission--expressed a larger
spirit. Her faithful letters, secure in a sincere belief, were very
precious, I remember. Sometimes, though never successfully, they
tempted me almost to giving my full confidence and telling more than
my camouflaged reports revealed. From the rest of my family, with the
exception of a really loved brother, I knew myself entirely divorced, a
divorce that later years proved final and somehow inevitable.
To my father, who was always something of a stranger to me, I could
never tell my heart; my mother, on the other hand, always had my
confidence, coupled with an austere respect. Few words passed between
us, yet she always knew, I felt, my thoughts. And this full confidence
dated, oddly enough, from an incident in early childhood, when I was
saying the Lord’s Prayer at her knee. There was a phrase that puzzled
me even when I was in knickerbockers: “Lead us not into temptation....”
I stopped, looked up into her face, and asked: “But _would_ He lead me
into temptation unless I asked Him not to?” Her eyes opened, she gazed
down into mine with a thoughtful, if perplexed expression, for a moment
she was evidently at a loss how to answer. She hesitated, then decided
to trust me with the truth: “I have never quite understood those
words myself,” she said. “I think, though, it is best to leave their
explanation to Him, and to say the words exactly as He taught them.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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