ADOLF. Quite. I have tested myself. When I went to bed the evening after
our conversation I reviewed your chain of argument point by point, and
felt convinced that it was sound. But the next morning, when my head
cleared again, after the night's sleep, the thought flashed through me
like lightning that you might be mistaken all the same. I jumped up, and
snatched up a brush and palette, in order to paint, but--just think of
it!--it was all up. I was no longer capable of any illusion. The whole
thing was nothing but blobs of color, and I was horrified at the
thought. I could never have believed I could convert any one else to the
belief that painted canvas was anything else except painted canvas. The
scales had fallen from my eyes, and I could as much paint again as I
could become a child again.
GUSTAV. You realized then that the real striving of the age, its
aspiration for reality, for actuality, can only find a corresponding
medium in sculpture, which gives bodies extension in the three
dimensions.
ADOLF [_hesitating_]. The three dimensions? Yes--in a word, bodies.
GUSTAV. And now you want to become a sculptor? That means that you were
a sculptor really from the beginning; you got off the line somehow, so
you only needed a guide to direct you back again to the right track. I
say, when you work now, does the great joy of creation come over you?
ADOLF. Now, I live again.
GUSTAV. May I see what you're doing?
ADOLF [_undraping a figure on the small table_]. A female figure.
GUSTAV [_probing_]. Without a model, and yet so lifelike?
ADOLF [_heavily_]. Yes, but it is like somebody; extraordinary how this
woman is in me, just as I am in her.
GUSTAV. That last is not so extraordinary--do you know anything about
transfusion?
ADOLF. Blood transfusion? Yes.
GUSTAV. It seems to me that you've allowed your veins to be opened a bit
too much. The examination of this figure clears up many things which I'd
previously only surmised. You loved her infinitely?
ADOLF. Yes; so much that I could never tell whether she is I, or I am
her; when she laughed I laughed; when she cried I cried, and when--just
imagine it--our child came into the world I suffered the same as she
did.
GUSTAV [_stepping a little to the right_]. Look here, old chap, I am
awfully sorry to have to tell you, but the symptoms of epilepsy are
already manifesting themselves.
ADOLF [_crushed_]. In me? What makes you say so.
GUSTAV. Because I watched these symptoms in a younger brother of mine,
who eventually died of excess.
[_He sits down in the arm-chair by the circular table._]
ADOLF. How did it manifest itself--that disease, I mean?
[_Gustav gesticulates vividly; Adolf watches with strained
attention, and involuntarily imitates Gustav's gestures._]
GUSTAV. A ghastly sight. If you feel at all off color, I'd rather not
harrow you by describing the symptoms.
ADOLF [_nervously_]. Go on; go on.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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