"I am glad you could see me to-day," she said. "I leave London early
to-morrow morning. I hate London."
She spoke in a full and rather rich voice, with a slightly burring
accent, and looked the doctor full in the face with a pair of large and
sensible grey eyes. Nature had certainly built her to be one of those
towers of women, strong for themselves, for their sex, and often for men
also, who possess a peculiar power, given in quite full measure to no
male creature, of large sympathy and lofty composure. But the doctor saw
at a glance that some adverse fate had disagreed with the intentions of
nature, and fought against them with success. Circumstances must have
arisen in this woman's life to break down her unusual equipment of
courage and resolution, or if not to break it down, to dint and batter
the shield she carried over her heart and life. For her fine face was
lined with care, her naturally firm mouth was tormented by an apparently
irresistible quivering, that, once prompted by long and painful emotion,
had now become habitual and mechanical, and her eyes, although they met
the eyes of the doctor with a peculiar large reception and return of
scrutiny, held in their depths that hunted expression which is only
developed by long agony, either physical or mental. So much the doctor
read in a glance before his patient began to detail her symptoms. She
detailed them with a certain obvious shame and a slow conquering of
reticence that made her speak very deliberately.
She began by saying, in no insulting manner, that she had kept clear of
doctors during almost the whole of her life; that she had meant to keep
clear of them till her death.
"For I was born with a constitution of iron," she said, "and I have
always lived on the most sanitary principles, and with the utmost
simplicity. So I hoped to go to my grave without much suffering.
Certainly I never expected to have to consult any one on the ground
of nervous breakdown. Yet that is exactly why I am here with you at
this moment. The circumstances of my life have been too much for me,
I suppose."
There was a grave pathos in her voice as she uttered the last words.
"At any rate," she continued, after a pause, "I would like you to help
me if you can. The cause of my breakdown is remote enough, several years
old. I had a tremendous burden to bear then, and I bore it, as I thought
bravely, for a long time. At last it grew intolerable, and then I
succeeded at last in getting it removed, in getting rid of it, you
understand, altogether. The odd thing is, that while I was bearing my
burden my strength did not fail me, my courage did not utterly give way.
Only when the burden was removed did I faint because of it. My trouble
was partially physical--I had to endure grave physical cruelty at that
time--but chiefly mental. My agony of mind ran a race with my agony of
body, and won easily. It's generally so with women, I believe?"
She waited as if for a reply.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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