"Oh, Frank!" she cried, and the tears came from nervous excitement, and
the fear lest she should not have courage to obey these promptings. "I
must, I _must_ ask you. Why, when you come to see me, are you always so
grave and silent, as though you were not happy in my society; why do you
evade all direct replies; why do you always tell me that there is
nothing the matter? That woman--it is because of her, because you still
love her--better, perhaps, than you love me! Because you cannot forget
her, because she still is a part of your life, a large part--perhaps the
largest? Oh, it is such torture, such misery--ever-present misery. And I
am not meanly jealous; I never have been. I quite understand your
feeling about her--the first-comer--though it is dreadful. But you
yourself are too silent, too sad; and when I think it over I doubt, in
spite of myself--Frank, in spite of myself, I swear to you. But the
suspicion forces itself upon me and overwhelms me! Great God, why must
it be? But, Frank, tell me I am a simpleton to think so, and that she
is nothing to you any longer--nothing at all. You never see her, do you?
Tell me, tell me."
The anguish of her soul as she spoke was eloquent in her face, though
disfigured with grief, and pale with the dead whiteness of a faded
azalea blossom; a convulsive pang pinched the corners of her mouth, and
her quivering eyelids; she was indeed a martyr to her own too vivid
fancy.
But he, at this moment, was incapable of seeing her as a martyr. Her
words had roused in him a surge of fury such as he could remember having
felt occasionally as a child, lashed up as it were by the blast of a
hurricane, drowning every other feeling, sweeping away every other
thought, like dust before the storm. It came blustering up at the notion
of his honesty being questioned, his perfect candour, honour, and
truth--like a whirlwind of righteous indignation at such injustice; for
in his own mind he could not conceive of such a doubt, knowing himself
to be honest, honourable, and true. His dark grey eyes flashed beneath
his deeply knit brows; his words came viciously from between his set
teeth, which shone large and white under his moustache, like polished
ivory.
"It is inconceivable! Good God, this is monstrous! I have answered you,
once for all; I have told you in plain words: 'No--no--no!' And you ask
me again and again. Do you think I am a liar? Why? Have you ever seen
anything in me to make you think I can lie? I say no, and I mean no! And
still you have doubts; still you think and worry over it like an old
woman. Why do you not take things as they are? You know the facts; why
do you not believe me? I am not sad, I am not gloomy; I am quite happy
with you; I love you; I do not doubt you. But you--you!--Believe me, if
you go on in this way you will make yourself miserable; and me too, me
too!"
She looked at him steadfastly, and her pride rose up to meet his wrath,
for his words offended her.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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