If ever he manages to catch a train, It goes where he doesn't want to go. It starts at three or--thereabouts, But--really--he doesn't quite know. If he's due down south, he's up in the north, Say in Scotland--eating porridge-- If he's bound for Chester--or Bangor--say, You'll find him safe in Norwich. At junctions he's always left behind, For he quite forgets to change, And he's shunted into sidings dark-- "I thought 'twas rather strange!" REFRAIN. 'Twill constant change afford To travel with Leslie Ward, Wherever he may roam, tho' he's quite at home, He's always all abroad. If he leaves the train for a cup of tea, The train goes on without him; He's left his ticket and purse in the rack, And he hasn't a penny about him. He forgets the name of his hotel, Tho' he's often stayed there before, He thinks it's the Lion or the Antelope, Or the something Horse or Boar. But he's sure it's the name of an animal, That you sometimes see at the Zoo! Which gives you a pretty wide field of choice From a Rat to a Kangaroo! REFRAIN as before. If he's due on a visit on Monday, say, His coat is being repaired! On Tuesday he's awfully sorry, you know, But his shirts weren't properly aired. On Wednesday he was going to start, But he'd lost his mother's dog! On Thursday he really meant to come, But he lost his way--in a fog! On Friday the cab was a_t the door_! But his boots would not come on-- But on Saturday he _does_ arrive-- And--finds all the family gone!! REFRAIN as before. _R. Corney Grain._