To Thee, gentle yet capricious Deity, I commend all my Desires, praying Thee to keep the people whom I represent as Dumb and Inert as myself in matters concerning their own Welfare, for if they should chance to consider the Situation by the light of Common Sense, and me by the shrewd Appreciation of a Native Wit, it might occur to them to prefer a Man rather than a Wooden-headed Nonentity to Proclaim their Existence to the King’s faithful Commons! Wherefore, at the next General Election I should lose my Seat,--which would be Disagreeable to me personally, as well as a Cause of Rage in my Wife, to whom my present Condition of a Parliamentary Microbe is much more important and advantageous than it is to the Country! And Thou knowest, O Lord, that when my Wife is moved by the Impetuous Persuasion of a difficult Temper, it is necessary for me, by reason of her Superior Height, Size, and Aggressiveness, to retire from the domestic Fighting-ground, considerably worsted in the unequal Combat. Protect me, merciful Deity, from her Tongue!--which is as a Sword to slay all thoughts of Peace! And, concerning the accursed, ubiquitous Journalist-Reporter-Paragraphist-Correspondent-Attached-to-all-Newspapers Man, who, for my sins, wrote my “speech to the Electors” at a high charge, and agreed,--and therefore expects,--to write all my other public utterances on the same terms, I beseech Thee, when he next waits upon me with his Bill, ready to Counsel or to Command, grant me the Strength and Courage to tell a more barefaced Lie than is habitual to me, and to boldly say that I can do Without him! AMEN! THE THANKSGIVING OF THE SMALL COUNTRY M.P’s WIFE, WHICH SHE OFFERETH WEEK-END-LY To Thee, O Bland and Blessëd Deity of Surplus Cash and Social Advancement, whose favours are never bestowed upon the Poor or the Wise, but only on the Rich and the Foolish, I give praise, honour and glory! I thank Thee that Thou hast made of that Supreme Ass, my Husband, a Member of the Government, so that, despite his utter Lack of Wit and Hopeless Incompetency, he may at least pass muster for having Brains in a particularly Brainless Constituency!