"As I feel and see things to-night, I should say, for neither God
nor myself, but solely and expressly for the sake of the Evil One.
What good, what happiness, do all the compliments, all the attention
I ever received, secure to me to-night? I thought I was using all
for my own benefit. That was my only purpose and aim, but every
flattering thing that I can remember is only a burden to think
of now. I am the worse for my beauty, as you regard it. I cannot
think of any one that I have made better; but many that I have made
worse. I seem to have been receiving all my life, and yet to-night
I feel as if I had nothing but a burden upon my heart."
Hemstead's words were not reassuring. Indeed, Lottie thought them
a trifle harsh, though spoken so kindly.
"You cannot feel otherwise, Miss Marsden. You have been seeking to
keep and use for yourself what God meant you should use for Him.
You feel very much as you would, did you take a large sum of money,
left in your hands as a sacred trust, and go on a pleasure trip
with it. He has intrusted to you the richest and rarest gifts, and
every day that you have misappropriated them is a burden upon your
conscience. You will feel the same after a long life of adulation,
in which every whim has been gratified. Believe me, Miss Marsden,
it is a very sad thing to come to the end of one's life with no
other possession than a burdened conscience and a heavy, guilty
heart. I long to save you from such a fate. That would be a wretchedly
poor result of a lifetime for one endowed as you are."
"Your words are very severe, Mr. Hemstead," she said in a low tone,
burying her face in her hands.
"Faithful are the wounds of a friend," he replied.
"I never thought I could permit any one to speak to me as you have
done, nor would I endure it from you, did I not recognize something
like sympathy in the voice with which you speak such cutting words.
But I fear they are true, after all. A burdened conscience and a
guilty heart seem all there is of me to-night."
He was about to reverse the picture, and portray in strong and
hopeful terms what she might be, and what she could accomplish,
when the sleigh-bells announced the return of the rest of the party.
She sprang up and said hastily: "I do not wish to meet them to-night,
and so will retire at once. As physician of the 'mind diseased'
you dearly believe in what is termed the 'heroic treatment.' Your
scalpel is sharp, and you cut deeply. But as proof that I have kept
my word, and am not offended, I give you my hand."
He took it in both of his, but did not speak. She looked up at him
through the tears that still lingered, and was touched to see that
his eyes were as moist as hers. Giving his hand a cordial pressure,
she said as she left him: "You cannot look at me in harsh criticism
through tears of sympathy. Your face is kinder than your words. I
am glad you do not despise me."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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