"You would think me a fool if I told you," she faltered.
"No one will ever charge you with being that."
She gave him another of her quick, strange looks, like the one she
fixed upon him when he first moved her to tears by weaving about
her the 'spell of truth.' It was a look akin to that of a child who
learns by an intuitive glance whom it may trust. After a moment,
she said: "If you were less kind, less simple and sincere, I would
indeed send you away, and not very amiably either, I fear. And
yet I should like a few crumbs of comfort. I scarcely understand
myself. Monday and yesterday I was so strangely happy that
I seemed to have entered on a new life, and to-day I am as wicked
and miserable a little sinner as ever breathed. The idea of my
being a Christian!--never was farther from it. I've had nothing
but mean and hateful thoughts since I awoke."
"And is this not a 'trouble worth naming'? In my judgment it is a
most serious one."
"Do you think so?" she said gratefully. "But then I'm provoked
that I can be so changeable. Dan just said, 'I wish you could be
the same two days together,' and so do I."
"Let us look into this matter," he said, sympathetically, sitting
down in a companionable way on the fallen tree beside her. "Let us
try to disentangle this web of complex and changing feeling. As the
physician treats the disordered body, you know it is my cherished
calling to minister to the disquieted mind. The first step is to
discover the cause of trouble, if possible, and remove that. Can
you not think of some cause of your present feelings?"
Lottie averted her face in dismay, and thought, "What shall I do?
I can't tell him the cause."
"Because you see," continued Hemstead, in the most philosophical
spirit, "when anything unpleasant and depressing occurs, one of
your temperament is apt to take a gloomy, morbid view of everything
for a time."
"I think you are right," she said faintly.
"Now, I see no proof," he continued, with reassuring heartiness,
"that you are not a Christian because you are unhappy, or even
because you have had 'hateful thoughts,' as you call them. You
evidently do not welcome these 'hateful thoughts.' The question
as to whether you are a Christian is to be settled on entirely
different grounds. Have you thrown off allegiance to that most
merciful and sympathetic of friends that you led me to see last
Sunday as vividly as I now see you?"
Lottie shook her head, but said remorsefully, "But I have scarcely
thought of Him to-day."
"Rest assured He has thought of you. I now understand how He has
sympathy for the least grief of the least of His children."
"If I am one, I am the very least one of all," she said humbly.
"I like that," he replied with a smile. "Paul said he was the 'chief
of sinners,' and he meant it too. That was an excellent symptom."
A glimmer of a smile dawned on Lottie's face.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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