Recruit (lying on the ground):—“Captain, I won’t sit that horse again; he is too uppish. Just see him look down on me!” Bivouac Punch Captain:—“What in the name of common sense, is the matter with this punch? It tastes abominable! Schaffer, what kind of water did you use when you made it?” Schaffer:—“It was quite fresh from the village, sir, but as you said you did not need it for an hour and it was boiling, I cooked the sausages in it.” It Depends on His Looks Lieutenant:—“Mayer, suppose you are standing sentry, and an officer, wearing his cloak comes along, you cannot tell whether it is a General or a Captain; what salute would you make?” Mayer:—“If he looks pleasant I would ‘shoulder arms,’ but if he looks gruff, I had better ‘present arms.’” Too Far Away Sergeant:—“Recruit Berger, you were ten minutes late again last night; where were you?” Berger:—“I—I—was with my sweetheart, and she lives so far away—that——” Sergeant:—“How many times must you fellows be told that discipline does not bother with love affairs! If you must fall in love, do it near the barracks.” For His Helmet’s Sake Sergeant:—“Why must a soldier never lose his head?” Recruit:—“Because—because—he could never put his helmet on again.” A Good Shot A recruit, who was standing guard one night near an observatory, was staring thoughtlessly at the sky and up at the tower. Suddenly somebody appeared on the observatory, and, as the recruit thought, pointed with a long gun into the night. “Now I should just like to know what that man up there wants to shoot in the dark,” he said to himself, while his eyes followed the direction of the telescope. All at once a star fell. The gun dropped from the astonished recruit’s hand as he cried: “Well, I’ll be jiggered; he hit it!” Remedy for Don Juans General:—“Were you at my house?” Adjutant:—“Yes, sir; your gracious wife is at home, and Lieutenant von Schneidewitz is there.” General:—“Again? Have an alarm sounded at once.” CHAPTER XII _Crowned Heads and Some of Their Famous Statesmen and Generals_ No Money, No Gun Markgraf Johann von Brandenburg, reigning Prince of Neumark, was in the habit of leaving his debts stand for a long time. His gunsmith at Nuremberg was well aware of this. So having filled an order, he wrote one day the following laconic letter to him; “Good-day, your Grace! Your gun is finished. If you send the money, I’ll send you the gun. If you don’t send the money, you won’t get the gun. God be with you!” His Grace, far from resenting this language, sent the money. The Living and Not the Dead Emperor Joseph II of Austria, was once asked by an ecclesiastic of noble birth, for permission to go to Rome, to visit the graves of the Apostles Peter and Paul. The Emperor made this very appropriate answer: “It would be more agreeable to me, if, instead of making a pilgrimage to dead bones, you would visit more in your parish. I am sure the Apostle Princes would be more pleased with that, too.”