“Well, you know, madam, that my sweetheart is in the Artillery, and he is used to this size.” He Forgot Himself Captain of the Cavalry (playing a duet):—“But my dear lady, you are again a nose-length ahead of me!” A Strenuous Captain Lady:—“Please, Captain, play my accompaniment on the piano.” Captain:—“With great pleasure! I’ll follow you through thick and thin on that piano.” Not Very Clear Sergeant (at instruction):—“Muller, what is horizontal?” Soldier:—“If from the centre of the earth——” Sergeant:—“Never you mind the centre of the earth; I asked you what horizontal is.” Soldier:—“Every plain——” Sergeant:—“Oh pshaw! Now listen! four equally high feet, a couple of boards across them—that’s horizontal.” Never Deserts “May I offer you some dessert, Lieutenant?” “Thank you—but a Lieutenant never deserts!” One Thing Forgotten Corporal (to his men, with whose drilling the Colonel has just found fault):—“I tell you this much, you fellows, if you don’t do any better, we shall drill the whole day, have field practice at night, bivouac afterwards, without fire, without straw, without cooking, and with the thermometer ten degrees below zero.” A voice from the ranks:—“Why don’t you let it rain too!” Rather Mixed Ten minutes after taps:—“Oh say! don’t run so hard. We’ll get there early enough to be—too late.” Disagreeable Lieutenant:—“I saw you running after a girl last night. It was after ten o’clock, and she was a homely, old piece at that. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.” Soldier:—“Your pardon, Lieutenant, but—I was ordered to take—the Colonel’s wife home from the theatre.” At the Swimming School Sergeant (to a recruit):—“You big num-skull, you are more stupid than a piece of wood! That, at any rate can swim, and that is a good deal more than you can do!” A Cunning Sergeant In the barrack yard of a garrison stood a lot of pear trees. The pears were ripe and a squad of soldiers under the supervision of Sergeant Schulze, is ordered to gather them. Punctually at the appointed hour the men arrive, and, shortly after, have disappeared among the branches of the trees to begin their task. Sergeant Schulze soon notices that more pears go into the men’s pockets than into the baskets. However he says nothing and looks on smilingly. As soon as all the fruit is gathered, he orders the men to the horizontal bars standing in the yard, whereupon there is a great shower of pears from the men’s pockets. Fault of the Target Captain:—“What were the results of your target-practice?” Sergeant:—“Good, Captain; my men would have shot better if the target had stood a little more to the right.” Couldn’t Ride Corporal:—“Goodness me! that fellow wabbles around on his horse, like a poet on Pegasus!” The Horse’s Grudge “There is that fellow fallen off again! That is about the tenth time to-day!” “Corporal, I believe that horse has a grudge against me.” Condescension