Marriage -- Drama; Married people -- Drama; Weddings -- Drama
COLLINS. Oh, thats all right, Sir. The particulars dont matter. I
never read the report of a Committee: after all, what can they
say, that you dont know? You pick it up as they go on talking.[He
goes to the corner of the table and speaks across it to the
company]. Well, my Lord and Miss Edith and Madam and Gentlemen,
it's like this. Marriage is tolerable enough in its way if youre
easygoing and dont expect too much from it. But it doesnt bear
thinking about. The great thing is to get the young people tied
up before they know what theyre letting themselves in for. Theres
Miss Lesbia now. She waited till she started thinking about it;
and then it was all over. If you once start arguing, Miss Edith
and Mr Sykes, youll never get married. Go and get married first:
youll have plenty of arguing afterwards, miss, believe me.
HOTCHKISS. Your warning comes too late. Theyve started arguing
already.
THE GENERAL. But you dont take in the full--well, I dont wish to
exaggerate; but the only word I can find is the full horror of
the situation. These ladies not only refuse our honorable
offers, but as I understand it--and I'm sure I beg your pardon
most heartily, Lesbia, if I'm wrong, as I hope I am--they
actually call on us to enter into--I'm sorry to use the
expression; but what can I say?--into ALLIANCES with them under
contracts to be drawn up by our confounded solicitors.
COLLINS. Dear me, General: thats something new when the parties
belong to the same class.
THE BISHOP. Not new, Collins. The Romans did it.
COLLINS. Yes: they would, them Romans. When youre in Rome do as
the Romans do, is an old saying. But we're not in Rome at
present, my lord.
THE BISHOP. We have got into many of their ways. What do you
think of the contract system, Collins?
COLLINS. Well, my lord, when theres a question of a contract, I
always say, shew it to me on paper. If it's to be talk, let it be
talk; but if it's to be a contract, down with it in black and
white; and then we shall know what we're about.
HOTCHKISS. Quite right, Mr Alderman. Let us draft it at once. May
I go into the study for writing materials, Bishop?
THE BISHOP. Do, Sinjon.
Hotchkiss goes into the library.
COLLINS. If I might point out a difficulty, my lord--
THE BISHOP. Certainly. [He goes to the fourth chair from the
General's left, but before sitting down, courteously points to
the chair at the end of the table next the hearth]. Wont you sit
down, Mr Alderman? [Collins, very appreciative of the Bishop's
distinguished consideration, sits down. The Bishop then takes his
seat].
COLLINS. We are at present six men to four ladies. Thats not
fair.
REGINALD. Not fair to the men, you mean.
LEO. Oh! Rejjy has said something clever! Can I be mistaken in
him?
Hotchkiss comes back with a blotter and some paper. He takes the
vacant place in the middle of the table between Lesbia and the
Bishop.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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