_11 p.m._--Astounding discovery! Nicholas Alexandrovitch is a Jew! I
don't know how it was, but suddenly something was said; we looked at
each other, and then a sort of light flashed across our faces; we read
the mutual secret in each other's eyes; a magnetic impulse linked our
hands together in a friendly clasp, and we felt that we were brothers.
And yet Nicholas is a whole world apart from me in feeling and
conviction. How strange and mysterious is this latent brotherhood
which binds our race together through all differences of rank,
country, and even faith! For Nicholas is an agnostic of agnostics; he
is even further removed from sympathy with my new-found faith than the
ordinary Christian, and yet my sympathy with him is not only warmer
than, but different in _kind_ from, that which I feel toward any
Christian, even Caterina's brother. I have told him all. Yes, little
book, him also have I told all. And he sneers at me. But there lurks
more fraternity in his sneer than in a Christian's applause. We are
knit below the surface like two ocean rocks, whose isolated crests
rise above the waters. Nicholas laughs at there being any Judaism to
survive, or anything in Judaism worth surviving. He declares that the
chosen people have been chosen for the plaything of the fates, fed
with illusions and windy conceit, and rewarded for their fidelity with
torture and persecution. He pities them, as he would pity a dog that
wanders round its master's grave, and will not eat for grief. In fact,
save for this pity, he is even as I was until these new emotions rent
me. He is outwardly a Christian, because he could not live comfortably
otherwise, but he has nothing but contempt for the poor peasants whose
fever-wrung brows he touches with a woman's hand. He looks upon them
only as a superior variety of cattle, and upon the well-to-do people
here as animals with all the vices of the muzhiks, and none of their
virtues. For my Judaic cravings he has a good-natured mockery, and
tells me I was but sickening for this influenza. He says all my
symptoms are physical, not spiritual; that the loss of Caterina
depressed me, that this depression drove me into solitude, and that
this solitude in its turn reacted on my depression. He thinks that
religion is a secretion of morbid minds, and that my Judaism will
vanish again with the last traces of my influenza. And, indeed, there
is much force in what he says, and much truth in his diagnosis and
analysis of my condition. He advises me to take plenty of outdoor
exercise, and to go back again to one of the great towns. To go back
to Judaism, to ally one's self with an outcast race and a dying
religion is, he thinks, an act of folly only paralleled by its
inutility. The world will outgrow all these forms and prejudices in
time is his confident assurance, as he puffs tranquilly at his
cigarette and sips his Chartreuse. He points out, what is true enough,
that I am not alone in my dissent from the religion I profess; for, as
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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