Graham's Magazine, Vol. XVIII, No. 4, April 1841Various
General
Graham's Magazine, Vol. XVIII, No. 4, April 1841
Various
Literature -- Periodicals; Literature, Modern -- 19th century -- Periodicals
toward them, followed me unceasingly, and spared no pains to ensure my
self-conviction.
But I baffled them. My life, however, became one of extreme misery and
watchfulness. I feared to sleep lest I should be robbed or assassinated.
I dreaded a sight of the human countenance; for in every man I fancied I
recognised an enemy. Neither could I hide myself in solitude—my guilt
was too fearful—too relentless. I dared not walk in the public
thoroughfares; for the utmost detestation was pictured in every face;
and my ears were assailed with reproaches and contumely. I could not
roam the most obscure parts of the city, without being dogged and
persecuted by the blood-hounds of Manini. It was a miserable situation.
Health—comfort—happiness, were gone forever. Not even the common
enjoyments of life fell to my lot. I could not sleep—I knew no pleasure
in drink—I was too decrepid and impotent to enjoy artificial
stimulants: what then must have been the depth of my misery? It was too
great to be borne. I resolved to leave the theatre of my misfortunes;
and to bury myself in the busy haunts of the great English metropolis.
In the costume and character of a Jew, I embarked for the city of my
destination. Arrived there, I set up a small establishment as a usurer.
My thirst for accumulation was not satisfied by my crimes; nor did my
honesty profit by inaction. The great object was, however, in some
measure effected. I enjoyed as the guilty may enjoy the security of my
secluded situation. I passed many years in a state of negative
happiness. My internal miseries lost none of their poignancy; but they
caused me no physical inconvenience. I was free from immediate
conviction; and had every prospect of continuing unmolested. Time
soothed my terrors, though I still looked forward with fear and anxiety
to the day, when something worse might turn up, than mere imaginary
fears.
* * * * *
Age and imbecility have come upon me. I have spun out nearly the remains
of my guilty existence, in security and prosperity. I have acquired
riches; but have never enjoyed them. I have sinned and suffered; but my
crimes are not atoned for. A day will come when the fearful debt must be
paid. I await it with calmness. I repent of nothing that I have done. I
ask forgiveness neither of God nor of man. Let the full measure of His
retribution be my eternal ruin. I am content to die as I have
lived—fearless—guilty—unrelenting.
* * * * *
Here ends the Autobiography of this false and evil man. It is a
highly-colored, but we trust, not an extravagant picture of the effects
of avarice. The moral remains to be told. If, in the sequel or fourth
part, we can show that sooner or later retribution will fall upon the
guilty; we may say of our hero what Scott quotes of Charles the
Twelfth:—
“He left the name at which the world grew pale,
To point a moral, and adorn a tale.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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