Grit LawlessYoung, F. E. Mills (Florence Ethel Mills)
Philosophy
Grit Lawless
Young, F. E. Mills (Florence Ethel Mills)
Africa -- Fiction
"And do I count for nothing in your life?" she asked passionately. "You
loved me once... in the years that are past--when you were younger. And
I was young too--a girl. Ah! life, life! How full of promise it seems,
and how each successive year fades and dims that promise! You were a
king among men to me then... And now--you lead the life of a common
adventurer, following reckless and dangerous enterprises, and enjoying
your idle moments after the manner of a loose liver. Oh! my God! need
this thing be? ... Why will you wantonly subjugate all that is fine in
your nature? It was those finer qualities in you that I loved, and you
are deliberately killing them."
Lawless had drawn himself instinctively straighter under the shower of
words. He looked at her with hard, unresponsive eyes.
"I have no use for that kind of love," he said coldly. "It is of no
human value. To love the imaginary saint in a man is not going to help
the man when you make the inevitable discovery that the saint isn't
there. If love is to be of any use it must be for the sinner as well."
He went nearer to her, and laughed harshly when he observed how she drew
back involuntarily from his advance.
"When you can bring yourself," he said, "to suffer my touch without
flinching; when you can feel glad for my lips to rest upon yours without
consideration for where last they may have rested; when you can love me
for myself--as I am--as you know me, a common adventurer, a profligate,
then we may wipe out the intervening years... not before."
She was silent for a while after he had finished; and he knew that she
was considering what he had uttered with such brutal frankness, weighing
it in her mind.
Presently she said, moistening her dry lips before speaking:
"Will you promise not to go to-morrow? ... to break with the old life
finally?"
"Bargain for bargain," he returned cynically. "You can't give freely,
you see."
His face hardened, became more resolute.
"I can't do what you ask... It is out of the question. I am pledged
irrevocably--promised. I can't draw back."
She moved away with a gesture of bitterness, and with her back towards
him, stood, a reluctant tragic figure, with one hand on the back of the
chair where she had stood when he entered.
"It is always the same," she whispered... "Always the same. Your
desires--the desire of the moment, first. I don't believe you ever
loved me, though at one time you professed so much."
"At least, I did not love an ideal," he answered. "I loved the flesh
and blood that is you."
She turned her head slowly and looked at him.
"That is it," she answered bitterly... "The flesh and blood! ... The
fairness of the flesh... All that the flesh means you care for."
"Oh! I'm materialistic," he admitted. "I've no fancy for falling in
love with a dream."
He followed her, and took up his position again close to her, with his
hands behind him, looking steadily into her eyes.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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