and to compare himself with the lover of The Blessed Damozel had been a
luxurious melancholy. Pauline and he had worshipped together in chapels
of Lyonesse where, if he had knelt beside her with rather a tender
condescension toward her prayers, he had always been moved sincerely by
the decorative appeal they made to him. He had felt a sentimental awe of
her hushed approach to the altar and he had derived a kind of
sentimental satisfaction from the perfection of her attitude, perhaps,
even more, he had placed upon it a sentimental reliance. Her faith had
been the decorative adjunct of a great deal of his verse, and he flushed
hotly to remember lines that now appeared as damnable insincerities with
which he had allowed his pen to play. All that piety of hers he had
sung so prettily was real and possessed an intrinsic power to injure
him, so that what he had patronized and encouraged could rise up and pit
itself deliberately against him. Pauline actually believed in her
religion, believed in it to the extent of dishonouring their love to
appease the mumbo-jumbo. That something so monstrously inexistent could
have any such power was barely comprehensible, and yet here he was faced
with what easily might prove to be a force powerful enough to annihilate
their love. He remembered how in reading of Christina Rossetti's
renunciation of a lover who did not believe as she believed, he had
thought of the incident as a poet's exaggeration. And it might well have
happened. Now indeed he could see why she was so much the greatest
poetess of them all: her faith had been real. Lines from that Sonnet of
sonnets came back to him, broken lines but full of dread:
_I love ... God the most;_
_Would lose not Him but you, must one be lost:_
And if Pauline should speak so to him, if Pauline should disown him at
the bidding of her phantom gods? How the thought swept into oblivion all
his pitiful achievement, all his fretful emotions set down in rhyme.
Either he must convince her that she was affrighted by vain fancies or
he must bow before this reality of belief and seek humbly the truth
where she discovered it. Yet if he took that course, it held no pledge
of faith for him. Shamefacedly and scarcely able to bear even the
thorn-tree's presence Guy knelt down and prayed that he might be given
Pauline's single heart. The song of the innumerable larks rose into the
crystalline, but all the prayers tumbled down from that stuffy pavilion
of sky. The moment that the first emotional aspiration was thus defeated
Guy was only conscious of his lapse into superstition, and furious with
the surrender he went walking over the downs in a determination to shake
Pauline's faith at whatever the cost temporarily to the beautiful
appearance of their love.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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