Advertising -- Fiction; Bank employees -- Fiction; Labor unions -- Fiction; New York (N.Y.) -- Fiction; Satire
The rest of the ticket was retained by the buyer. It bought what the
masses were beginning to speak of as the dandy belly-filler for a hungry
person who was warranted not to have any money. No. 3 coupon was to be
detached by the doorkeeper at Madison Square Garden and returned to the
ticket-buyer. If the holder of said coupon exercised his or her brains
he or she would receive ten thousand dollars in cash. Conditions
governing the collection of said ten thousand dollars would be published
on Saturday morning. It would _not_ be a lottery.
It now behooved charitable New-Yorkers to buy the tickets which would
feed all hungry persons who positively had no money to buy food with,
and at the same time receive ten thousand dollars in cash, brains being
present--all for twenty-five cents.
The ten thousand would be paid in cash, with United States Treasury
notes obtained from the National Bank of the Avenue. This insured their
genuineness.
On Monday the perfectly beautiful started. It was, fittingly, a
perfectly beautiful day. In automobiles (makers' names given, since it
was for charity) decked with beautiful flowers (donating florists also
honorably mentioned in the public prints, and paid advs. besides) the
perfectly beautiful hundred went forth to appeal to the great heart of
New York.
They were indeed beautiful. At least the men, being blind and possessing
the suffrage, thought so. Why, they even clamored to be allowed to buy.
And found ways and means of repeating. They never can vote honorably.
The newspapers reported that by 11 P.M. 38,647 tickets had been sold.
Also they announced twenty-three engagements of perfectly beautiful
ticket-sellers.
Grace Goodchild's name led the list. This time Mr. Goodchild did not
deny it. The reporters refused to listen to him, damn 'em!
On Tuesday the receipts fell on. Only 7,363 were sold.
No engagements.
On Wednesday the sales rose. The _offers_ of marriage aggregated 18,889.
Sixteen engagements of poor but perfectly beautiful girls to rich but
devilishly wise old men!
A truly remarkable thing happened. Everybody ceased to be concerned with
the sales of tickets or the object thereof. Crowds before the newspaper
offices patiently watched for announcements of fresh betrothals. Every
time one went on the bulletin-board the spectators cheered as if it were
a home run instead of a prospective marriage.
The betrothed reported to H. R. that they found the display of the
solitaires interfered with the sales of tickets. He advised them to
remove it. They refused.
"Well," he said, coldly, "the one who sells the most tickets will be
declared the most beautiful of the hundred. Of course you don't care
what men think of your looks so long as one man thinks you are the most
beautiful. He must, since he is your fiancé. By all means show the
solitaire. I respect your modesty. Besides, it keeps you from receiving
offers that you cannot, with honor, entertain."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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