Advertising -- Fiction; Bank employees -- Fiction; Labor unions -- Fiction; New York (N.Y.) -- Fiction; Satire
"Let me see your argument," said the magistrate, and when Mr. Onthemaker
gave him the speech he put it in his inside pocket. He did not know what
to say until he saw the reporters taking notes. Then he knew.
"Discharged!" he said. It was the most popular decision in New York.
Max Onthemaker looked at his watch. Morris Lazarus by this time had
doubtless applied for an order restraining Valiquet's from interfering
with the lawful business of Jean Gerard, Walter Townsend, J. J. Fleming,
William Mulligan, William F. Farquhar, Marmaduke de Beanville, Wilton
Lazear, Percival Willoughby, and Francis Drake.
"We have secured an injunction against Valiquet's. Here it is," said Mr.
Onthemaker. "You are the vice-president of your _corporation_. You might
as well learn your own business from me." Then, with a fierce frown
that there might be no back talk, he explained, with utter finality,
"This is a _certified copy_!"
He approached Mr. MacAckus and took advantage of the contiguity to
whisper: "If you don't wish to make your concern the laughing-stock of
America get busy and keep the newspapers from printing that you were
fool enough to oppose us in our perfectly legal position. Bear in mind
that if you fight us you make us."
"No compromise!" said H. R., sternly.
"No, sir," answered Onthemaker, meekly. Then he hissed at MacAckus, "Do
as I tell you, you boob!"
Mr. MacAckus clearly realized that this was a conspiracy. That always
makes business men fear that they may lose money. The fear of that
always sharpens their wits. It comes from a lifetime's training.
It was all Mr. Josslyn's fault. This made Mr. MacAckus almost despair.
But he said, very kindly, to the reporters, "Gentlemen, will you all be
good enough to call at our office before you print anything?"
The reporters, very kindly also, told him they would.
The free sandwiches returned to Fifth Avenue.
It was an ovation!
Art again had triumphed!
Proudly, up and down, from Thirty-fourth to Forty-second and back on the
other side, they marched unhindered.
The reporters did justice to the story. Like all really big stories, it
was legitimate news. They had indeed suspected advertising until H. R.
refused to speak about himself.
"All you please about my poor sandwiches, but not one word about me. I
have merely tried to rehabilitate the pariahs of the great mercantile
world by reviving the lost art of perambulating publicity. If I have
succeeded in making sandwiches free in New York, my work is done. Please
do not mention my name!" Then he leaned over confidentially and said,
very earnestly: "My family is conservative, and they hate to see the old
name in print. Don't use it, boys. Please! That's why I never sign more
than my initials!"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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