Happiness as Found in Forethought Minus FearthoughtFletcher, Horace
Philosophy
Happiness as Found in Forethought Minus Fearthought
Fletcher, Horace
Fear; Happiness
MR. KENNAN'S APPRENTICESHIP IN COURAGE.
Mr. George Kennan's great work in Russian exploration and in the
investigation of Russian institutions has been due to certain qualities
of character which impress every one who knows him well. Of these
qualities, bravery and strength of will are not the least conspicuous.
In his conversations with me, he has often spoken of certain things in
connection with his own development and training, which are of much
interest. Once when I spoke to him of his bravery and coolness under
danger, he said:--
"Many things which have been significant and controlling in what I may
call my psychological life are wholly unknown to my friends, and yet
they might be made public, if you wish. For instance, as I look back
to my boyhood, the cause of the only unhappiness that boyhood had for
me was a secret but a deeply rooted suspicion that I was physically
a coward. This gave me intense suffering. I do not know precisely at
what time I first became conscious of it, but when I peered, one day,
through the window of a surgeon's office to see an amputation I had
proof of my fear. One of my playmates had caught his hand between two
cog-wheels in a mill, and his arm had been badly crushed. When he
was taken to the surgeon's office, I followed to see what was going
to be done with him. While I was watching the amputation, with my
face pressed to the glass of the window, the surgeon accidentally let
slip from his forceps the end of one of the severed arteries, and
a jet of blood spurted against the inside of the window-pane. The
result upon me was a sensation that I had never had before in all my
life,--a sensation of nausea, faintness, and overwhelming fear. I was
twenty-four hours in recovering from the shock, and from that time I
began to think about the nature of my emotions and the unsuspected
weakness of my character.
"I had a nervous, imaginative temperament, and not long after this
incident I began to be tortured by a vague suspicion that I was
lacking in what we now call 'nerve,' that I was afraid of things that
involved suffering or peril. I brooded over this suggestion of physical
cowardice until I became almost convinced of its reality, and at last
I came to be afraid of things that I had never before thought about.
In less than a year I had lost much of my self-respect, and was as
miserable as a boy could be. It all seems now very absurd and childish,
but at that time, with my boyish visions of travel and exploration, it
was a spiritual tragedy. 'Of what use is it to think of exploration and
wild life in wild countries,' I used to ask myself, 'if the first time
my courage or fortitude is put to the test I become faint and sick?'
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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