American literature -- Periodicals; Civilization -- Periodicals; Culture -- Periodicals
“May I not hope that you return under fairer auspices than those which
your childhood knew?”
Helen turned her eyes with ingenuous thankfulness to her guardian, and the
memory of all she owed to him rushed upon her heart.
Harley renewed, and with earnest, though melancholy sweetness—“Helen, your
eyes thank me; but hear me before your words do. I deserve no thanks. I am
about to make to you a strange confession of egotism and selfishness.”
“You!—oh, impossible!”
“Judge yourself, and then decide which of us shall have cause to be
grateful. Helen, when I was scarcely your age—a boy in years, but more,
methinks, a man at heart, with man’s strong energies and sublime
aspirings, than I have ever since been—I loved, and deeply—”
He paused a moment, in evident struggle. Helen listened in mute surprise,
but his emotion awakened her own; her tender woman’s heart yearned to
console. Unconsciously her arm rested on his less lightly.
“Deeply, and for sorrow. It is a long tale, that may be told hereafter.
The worldly would call my love a madness. I did not reason on it then—I
can not reason on it now. Enough; death smote suddenly, terribly, and to
me mysteriously, her whom I loved. The love lived on. Fortunately,
perhaps, for me, I had quick distraction, not to grief, but to its inert
indulgence. I was a soldier; I joined our armies. Men called me brave.
Flattery! I was a coward before the thought of life. I sought death: like
sleep, it does not come at our call. Peace ensued. As when the winds fall
the sails droop—so when excitement ceased, all seemed to me flat and
objectless. Heavy, heavy was my heart. Perhaps grief had been less
obstinate, but that I feared I had cause for self-reproach. Since then I
have been a wanderer—a self-made exile. My boyhood had been ambitious—all
ambition ceased. Flames, when they reach the core of the heart, spread,
and leave all in ashes. Let me be brief: I did not mean thus weakly to
complain—I to whom heaven has given so many blessings! I felt, as it were,
separated from the common objects and joys of men. I grew startled to see
how, year by year, wayward humors possessed me. I resolved again to attach
myself to some living heart—it was my sole chance to rekindle my own. But
the one I had loved remained as my type of woman, and she was different
from all I saw. Therefore I said to myself, ’I will rear from childhood
some young fresh life, to grow up into my ideal.’ As this thought began to
haunt me, I chanced to discover you. Struck with the romance of your early
life, touched by your courage, charmed by your affectionate nature, I said
to myself, ’Here is what I seek.’ Helen, in assuming the guardianship of
your life, in all the culture which I have sought to bestow on your docile
childhood, I repeat, that I have been but the egotist. And now, when you
have reached that age, when it becomes me to speak, and you to listen—now,
when you are under the sacred roof of my own mother—now I ask you, can you
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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