Do not forget that, although you must unfortunately apply water to your face you can find warrant in custom to excuse you from annoying it with soap; and for the water again, you are at liberty to take vengeance by obtaining compensation damages out of that part of your head which the hair covers. Never wash it; soil it; clog it with oil or lard—either of which will answer your purpose, as either will keep out air as well as water, and promote the growth of a thick morion of scurf. Lard in the bedroom is called bear’s grease. In connection with its virtues in promoting growth of hair, there is a tale which I believe to be no fiction; not the old and profane jest of the man who rubbed a deal box with it over-night, and found a hair-trunk in the morning. It is said that the first adventurer who advertised bear’s grease for sale, appended to the laudation of its efficacy a Nota Bene, that gentlemen, after applying it, should wash the palms of their hands, otherwise the hair would sprout thence also. I admire that speculator, grimly satiric at the expense both of himself and of his customers. He jested at his own pretensions; and declared, by an oblique hint, that he did not look for friends among the scrupulously clean. Tooth-powder is necessary in the bedroom. Healthy stomachs will make healthy teeth, and then a tooth-brush and a little water may suffice to keep them clean. But healthy stomachs also make coarse constitutions. It is vexatious that our teeth rot when we vitiate the fluid that surrounds them. As gentlemen and ladies we desire good teeth; they must be scoured and hearth-stoned. Of course, as you do not cleanse your body daily, so you will not show favor to your feet. Keep up a due distinction between the upper and lower members. When a German prince was told confidentially that he had dirty hands, he replied, with the liveliness of conscious triumph, “Ach, do you call dat dirty? You should see my toes!” Some people wash them once in every month; that will do very well; or once a year, it matters little which. In what washing you find yourself unable to omit, use only the finest towels, those which inflict least friction on the skin. Having made these arrangements for yourself, take care that they are adhered to, as far is may be convenient, throughout your household. Here and there, put numerous sleepers into a single room; this is a good thing for children, if you require to blanch them. By a little perseverance, also, in this way, when you have too large a family, you can reduce it easily. By all means, let a baby have foul air, not only by the use of suffocative apparatus, but by causing it to sleep where there are four or five others in a well-closed room. So much is due to the maintenance of our orthodox rate of infant mortality.