"This affair was involved, apparently, in a good deal of doubt until this inquisition was held. The deceased might have been poisoned, or might not; and here the difficulty comes in, to determine whether he was or wasn't. On a post-mortem examination, there was a good deal of vascular inflammation about the coats of the nose; and I have no doubt the affair of the sweet-bread, which was possibly very highly peppered, had something to do with these appearances. The pulse had, of course, stopped; but, as far as I could judge from appearances, I should say it had been pretty regular. The ears were perfectly healthy, and the tail appeared to have been recently wagged; showing that there could have been nothing very wrong in that quarter. The conclusion at which, after careful consideration, I have arrived, is, that the royal favorite came to his death from old age, or rather from the lapse of time; and a _deodand_ is therefore imposed on the kitchen-clock, which was rather fast on the day of the dog's death, and very possibly might have accelerated his demise!" * * * * * It is no small thing to be called on suddenly to address a public meeting, of any sort, and to find all your wits gone a-wool-gathering, when you most require their services. "Such being the case," and "standing admitted," as it will be, by numerous readers, we commend the following speech of a compulsory orator at the opening of a free hospital: "GENTLEMEN--Ahem!--I--I--I rise to say--that is, I wish to propose a toast--wish to propose a toast. Gentlemen, I think that you'll all say--ahem--I think, at least, that this toast is, as you'll say, the toast of the evening--toast of the evening. Gentlemen, I belong to a good many of these things--and I say, gentlemen, that this hospital requires no patronage--at least, you don't want any recommendation. You've only got to be ill--got to be ill. Another thing--they are all locked up--I mean they are shut up separate--that is, they've all got separate beds--separate beds. Now, gentlemen, I find by the report (_turning over the leaves in a fidgety manner_), I find, gentlemen, that from the year seventeen--no, eighteen--no, ah, yes, I'm right--eighteen hundred and fifty--No! it's a 3, thirty-six--eighteen hundred and thirty-six, no less than one hundred and ninety-three millions--no! ah! (_to a committee-man at his side_,) Eh?--what?--oh, yes--thank you!--thank you, yes--one hundred and ninety-three thousand--two millions--no (_looking through his eye-glass_), two hundred and thirty-one--one hundred and ninety-three thousand, two hundred and thirty-one! Gentlemen, I beg to propose-- "_Success to this Institution!_" Intelligible as Egyptian hieroglyphics, and "clear as mud" to the "most superficial observer!" * * * * *