He recoiled from the dismal scene that met his eyes with the shudder
that one gives in plunging into icy water. As he stood on the threshold
all the phantoms of his previous despair sprang upon him from the
walls of his chamber and seemed to throw him down. There was the cold
grate with the gray ashes in it still; there the lamp that had left
him in the darkness. The table was there with its pile of law-books
that he had conned with the sickening patience which tortured him so
keenly. Strewn over them were fragments of the writings which had eaten
away the flower of his intelligence without bringing him a shilling to
fill his belly or to pay his rent. Enveloped within them was the piece
of lead by whose aid and with a skill so ferocious he had destroyed
the rat. The confectioner’s paper was there that had contained his
dinner; also the crumbs which remained to testify to its nature. On the
mantelpiece was the burned and dirty old pipe which he had cherished so
much, the only friend of his adversity; on the floor was the pouch that
had not a grain of tobacco in it. The pool of water was still in the
corner, underneath the discoloration of the plaster in the low sloping
roof.
How cold it was! Everything in this horrible apartment seemed to be
rendered icier, more dismal, by the callous gray beams that stole
through the grimy windows with a sullenness that hardly merited the
name of light. Ah, that window with its outlook on oblivion! It all
came back to him with the indescribable pangs of the knife, that the
night before he had leaned out of it, bareheaded, open-mouthed, his
eyes and nostrils cut by blasts of sleet, and had cried his haughty
challenge to a world that grovelled so far below him in the mire.
It was all very hideous, yet this Titanic despair filled him with a
deep sense of poetry. He realized, even as he stood now confronting it
for the thousand and first time, that whatever the future might hold in
her womb, never again would he be pierced to these depths whose very
immensity urged the proud rage to his eyes. Yes, there in the cynical
eyes of the morning lay the stained and battered old table to which
the previous evening he had pressed his eyes to summon the genie. What
torments of impotence, of baffled and thwarted power, must those eyes
have undergone before they could prevail upon their royalty to stoop to
such an act.
He took from his pocket the bank-note, half his fee, which the
solicitor had given him at the restaurant, and held it up to a gaze
that was as scornful as that of a young god who has not yet learned to
accept as a matter of course the powers that render him immortal.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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