Church history -- 4th century -- Fiction; German fiction -- Translations into English
A sad smile passed over his lips, then his features settled into a stern
gravity, for various unwelcome images rose clearly before his mind, and
would not be got rid of.
His conscience stood in inverse relation to the vigor of his body. When
he was well, his too darkly stained past life troubled him little;
but when he was unmanned by weakness, he was incapable of fighting the
ghastly demon that forced upon his memory in painful vividness those
very deeds which he would most willingly have forgotten. In such hours
he must need remember his friend, his benefactor, and superior officer,
the Tribune Servianus, whose fair young wife he had tempted with a
thousand arts to forsake her husband and child, and fly with him into
the wide world; and at this moment a bewildering illusion made him fancy
that he was the Tribune Servianus, and yet at the same time himself.
Every hour of pain, and the whole bitter anguish that his betrayed
benefactor had suffered through his act when he had seduced Glycera, he
himself now seemed to realize, and at the same time the enemy that had
betrayed him, Servianus, was none other than himself, Phoebicius, the
Gaul. He tried to protect himself and meditated revenge against the
seducer, and still he could not altogether lose the sense of his own
identity.
This whirl of mad imagining, which he vainly endeavored to make clear
to himself, threatened to distract his reason, and he groaned aloud; the
sound of his own voice brought him back to actuality.
He was Phoebicius again and not another, that he knew now, and yet he
could not completely bring himself to comprehend the situation. The
image of the lovely Glycera, who had followed him to Alexandria, and
whom he had there abandoned, when he had squandered his last piece of
money and her last costly jewels in the Greek city, no longer appeared
to him alone, but always side by side with his wife Sirona.
Glycera had been a melancholy sweetheart, who had wept much, and laughed
little after running away from her husband; he fancied he could hear
her speaking soft words of reproach, while Sirona defied him with loud
threats, and dared to nod and signal to the senator’s son Polykarp.
The weary dreamer angrily shook himself, collected his thoughts, doubled
his fist, and lifted it angrily; this movement was the first sign of
returning physical energy; he stretched his limbs like a man awaking
from sleep, rubbed his eyes, pressed his hands to his temples; by
degrees full consciousness returned to him, and with it the recollection
of all that had occurred in the last hour or two.
He hastily left the dark room, refreshed himself in the kitchen with a
gulp of wine, and went up to the open window to gaze at the stars.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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