“If you need it,” he says, “you are welcome to draw a little in
advance; you can write for it, you know.”
Now, as he had just seen that I was not capable of writing, this offer
humiliated me somewhat, and I answered:
“No, thanks; I can pull through yet a while, thanking you very much,
all the same. Good-day!”
“Good-day!” replies the “commandor,” turning at the same time to his
desk again.
He had none the less treated me with undeserved kindness, and I was
grateful to him for it--and I would know how to appreciate it too. I
made a resolution not to return to him until I could take something
with me, that satisfied me perfectly; something that would astonish the
“commandor” a bit, and make him order me to be paid half-a-sovereign
without a moment’s hesitation. I went home, and tackled my writing once
more.
During the following evenings, as soon as it got near eight o’clock and
the gas was lit, the following thing happened regularly to me.
As I come out of my room to take a walk in the streets after the labour
and troubles of the day, a lady, dressed in black, stands under the
lamp-post exactly opposite my door.
She turns her face towards me and follows me with her eyes when I pass
her by--I remark that she always has the same dress on, always the
same thick veil that conceals her face and falls over her breast, and
that she carries in her hand a small umbrella with an ivory ring in
the handle. This was already the third evening I had seen her there,
always in the same place. As soon as I have passed her by she turns
slowly and goes down the street away from me. My nervous brain vibrated
with curiosity, and I became at once possessed by the unreasonable
feeling that I was the object of her visit. At last I was almost on
the point of addressing her, of asking her if she was looking for any
one, if she needed my assistance in any way, or if I might accompany
her home. Badly dressed, as I unfortunately was, I might protect her
through the dark streets; but I had an undefined fear that it perhaps
might cost me something; a glass of wine, or a drive, and I had no
money left at all. My distressingly empty pockets acted in a far too
depressing way upon me, and I had not even the courage to scrutinize
her sharply as I passed her by. Hunger had once more taken up its abode
in my breast, and I had not tasted food since yesterday evening. This,
’tis true, was not a long period; I had often been able to hold out
for a couple of days at a time, but latterly I had commenced to fall
off seriously; I could not go hungry one quarter as well as I used to
do. A single day made me feel dazed, and I suffered from perpetual
retching the moment I tasted water. Added to this was the fact that I
lay and shivered all night, lay fully dressed as I stood and walked in
the daytime, lay blue with cold, lay and froze every night with fits of
icy shivering, and grew stiff during my sleep. The old blanket could
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