"I was born in the city of Stein, in the land of Krain. My pious mother
Gertrude sang me psalms and spiritual songs in childhood; and often,
when I awoke in the night, I saw her still sitting, patiently at her
work by the stove, and heard her singing those hymns of heaven, or
praying in the midnight darkness when her work was done. It was for me
she prayed. Thus, from my earliest childhood, I breathed the breath of
pious aspirations. Afterwards I went to Laybach as a student of
theology; and after the usual course of study, was ordained a priest. I
went forth to the care of souls; my own soul filled with the faith,
that ere long all people would be united in one church. Yet attimes my
heart was heavy, to behold how many nations there are who have not
heard of Christ; and how those, who are called Christians, are divided
into numberless sects, and how among these are many who are Christians
in name only. I determined to devote myself to the great work of the
one church universal; and for this purpose, to give myself wholly up to
the study of the Evangelists and the Fathers. I retired to the
Benedictine cloister of Saint Paul in the valley of Lavant. The
father-confessor in the nunnery of Laak, where I then lived,
strengthened me in this resolve. I had long walked with this angel of
God in a human form, and his parting benediction sank deep into my
soul. The Prince-Abbot Berthold, of blessed memory, was then head of
the Benedictine convent. He received me kindly, and led me to the
library; where I gazed with secret rapture on the vast folios of the
Christian Fathers, from which, as from an arsenal, I was to draw the
weapons of holy warfare. In the study of these, the year of my
noviciate passed. I becamea Franciscan friar; and took the name of
Brother Bernardus. Yet my course of life remained unchanged. I seldom
left the cloister; but sat in my cell, and pored over those tomes of
holy wisdom. About this time the aged confessor in Laak departed this
life. His death was made known to me in a dream. It must have been
after midnight, when I thought that I came into the church, which was
brilliantly lighted up. The dead body of the venerable saint was
brought in, attended by a great crowd. It seemed to me, that I must go
up into the pulpit and pronounce his funeral oration; and, as I
ascended the stairs, the words of my text came into my mind; 'Blessed
in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.' My funeral sermon
ended in a strain of exultation; and I awoke with 'Amen!' upon my lips.
A few days afterwards, I heard that on that night the old man died.
After this event I became restless and melancholy. I strove in vain to
drive from me my gloomy thoughts. I could no longer study. I was no
longer contented in the cloister. I even thought of leaving it.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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