I, Mary MacLane: A Diary of Human DaysMacLane, Mary
General
I, Mary MacLane: A Diary of Human Days
MacLane, Mary
MacLane, Mary, 1881-1929; Montana -- Biography; Women authors, American -- Biography
My Soul is like a young most beautiful girl marked and worn by long
cycles of time but not anyway aged. She comes dressed in something
like gray-white de-soie muslin or fine-grained crêpe silk, a
loose-belted frock reaching to her ankles.
My Soul is unmoved by the world and the flesh and their feeling,
as befits a Soul. She looks on me with a chill faëry-ish contempt,
as also befits a Soul. The quality of her contempt is of weary
understanding and is like a caress.
In the dusk of yesterday came my Soul to visit me--a dusk of a deep
beauty. The last glow of the sun lay along the earth, and all was
gentian blue.
I leaned against my window-pane watching it, and beside me sat her
Presence. Her Presence makes me feel wonderfully gifted: it is
_mine_, this Soul all Golden-Silk and Silken-Gold!
We talk on many topics, of many things: I in worldly nervous
ignorance and with a wishfulness to reach and compass and know: the
Soul with poise and surety of attitude, a wearied patience and the
chill sweet contempt.
She answers me from her cool old tranquil viewpoint, which is near
me yet remote.
We talked last of some bygone persons I have been, some shapes she
wore.
Said the Soul: ‘Early in the sixteenth century you were a ragged
Russian peasant girl living in ignorance and filth in a hut
by a swamp-edge. You had parents both of whom beat your body
black-and-blue from your babyhood. And at eighteen you were a
coarsened hardy wench tending a drove of pigs and goats on the sunny
steppe. I was there with you as presently as now--as sentient, as
perceptive. But it is a question whether you or the little beasts you
drove were the more beastly stupid. You and they were equal in outer
quality, equal in uncleanliness, equally covered with vermin.’
I have no ghost-memory of that time, but as the Soul told of it a
nascent feeling came on me, as if some part of my Mind felt its way
back to that. I warmed to the thought of the Peasant Girl. I was
quiescent to her filth and ignorance.
Said I: ‘Was she brave and fairly honest?’
Said the Soul: ‘You were a ready liar--you lied your way out of many
a beating. But you were brave enough. You faced the roughnesses of
your life uncringing, and you died game.’
Said I: ‘How did I die?’
Said the Soul: ‘You were run neatly through the body by the short
sword of a soldier whose lust-desire you had had the hardihood to
refuse--and I fled away upon the instant.’
Said I: ‘I half-knew it--she died a violent death. You--were you glad
to be quit of her filthy flesh, her surroundings, her ignorance?’
Said the Soul: ‘Glad? Such things mean nothing to me. Your
body, be it sweet or foul, has no bearing on my long journey.
Motives--motif--back of your human acts make me glad or sorry at
leaving you.’
Said I: ‘Tell me about a time when I seemed someway fine, humanly
fine.’
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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