He knew this letter by heart, word for word, and yet he read it through
again, word for word, and when he came to the end all the pain, and
defiance, and anger against himself and against her blazed up within
him, as it had in the hour when he first read it. Her calmness, her
gentle strength, that he used to laugh at as artificial, although he
knew how free she was from all feminine tricks; her clear comprehension
and her courage in asserting it: all this humiliated him anew. Then,
indeed, he had comforted himself with the belief that a word from him,
a look, her name merely pronounced by his lips, would demolish the
barrier that she had raised up between them, as easily as one blows
down a tower of cards. He had bitterly deceived himself. Neither by
entreaties nor stratagems had he succeeded in again gaining access to
her. He had to admit, with a new feeling of humiliation, that she was
the stronger. Then at last he too had, as he believed, bound his breast
in the seven-fold bands of iron, and had turned away from her. For the
last time he wrote to her a short, proud, but not unkind letter, almost
like an ultimatum from one power to another. He had felt some hope in
regard to it for that very reason. When it remained unanswered, he
acknowledged that all was over.
His face had sunk down on the little portfolio, he had closed his
eyes and had given himself up, with a kind of ecstasy, to all these
bitter-sweet memories. The thought that there was any one near him had
passed completely out of his mind, and his dreams began to lapse deeper
and deeper into the haziness that usually precedes unconsciousness.
Suddenly he roused himself with a start. A light hand had touched his
shoulder. As he turned hurriedly, he saw Zenz standing behind him. She
hastily stepped back again as far as the threshold of the door, which
she had softly opened, and stood there in the frame thus made in the
exact attitude of Jansen's "Dancing Girl," her arms thrown back and
holding, instead of the tambourine, the little plate on which Felix had
handed her the wine. The candle-light that streamed in from the
sitting-room, and the little lamp by the side of Felix's bed, doubly
illuminated the slim, youthful figure, and its shadow flickering back
and forth heightened the weird charm. She stood there with her profile
slightly turned upward, motionless as a statue, gazing straight before
her. It was not until quite a time had elapsed, and she had begun to
feel tired, that she asked, still without turning her head, whether he
was not going to begin to sketch? He rose and took a step toward her,
and then stood still again.
"My dear child," he said, controlling himself with difficulty, "it is
too late for that. The night has grown cool--you will catch cold. Come,
I thank you very much. You are a beautiful girl, and I--am not made of
stone. Now go back and go to sleep. To-morrow--tomorrow we will
sketch."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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