She stared at me, a curious expression in her stupid eyes. It seemed
to me as though the ‘woman’ in her revolted, while yet she dared not
suffer her grim belief to trip. That is, she would willingly have had
it otherwise but for a terror that prevented.
‘We may pray for them, sir, and we do--we _may_ ‘ope.’ She dropped her
eyes to the carpet.
‘Good, good!’ I put in cheerfully, sorry now that I had spoken at all.
‘That’s more hopeful, at any rate, isn’t it?’
She murmured something about Abraham’s bosom, and the ‘time of
salvation not being for ever,’ as I tried to pass her. Then a half
gesture that she made stopped me. There was something more she wished
to say--to ask. She looked up furtively. In her eyes I saw the ‘woman’
peering out through fear.
‘Per’aps, sir,’ she faltered, as though lightning must strike her dead,
‘per’aps, would you think, a drop of cold water, given in His name,
might moisten----?’
But I stopped her, for the foolish talk had lasted long enough.
‘Of course,’ I exclaimed, ‘of course. For God is love, remember, and
love means charity, tolerance, sympathy, and sparing others pain,’ and
I hurried past her, determined to end the outrageous conversation
for which yet I knew myself entirely to blame. Behind me, she stood
stock-still for several minutes, half bewildered, half alarmed, as
I suspected. I caught the fragment of another sentence, one word of
it, rather--‘punishment’--but the rest escaped me. Her arrogance and
condescending tolerance exasperated me, while I was at the same time
secretly pleased that I might have touched some string of remorse or
sympathy in her after all. Her belief was iron; she dared not let it
go; yet somewhere underneath there lurked the germ of a wholesome
revulsion. She would help ‘them’--if she dared. Her question proved it.
Half ashamed of myself, I turned and crossed the hall quickly lest I
should be tempted to say more, and in me was a disagreeable sensation
as though I had just left the Incurable Ward of some great hospital.
A reaction caught me as of nausea. Ugh! I wanted such people cleansed
by fire. They seemed to me as centres of contamination whose vicious
thoughts flowed out to stain God’s glorious world. I saw myself,
Frances, Mabel too especially, on the rack, while that odious figure
of cruelty and darkness stood over us and ordered the awful handles
turned in order that we might be ‘saved’--forced, that is, to think and
believe exactly as _she_ thought and believed.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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