I went back into the house, afflicted with a passion of mingled pity
and distress impossible to describe, yet on my short way across the
garden was attacked by other moods in turn, each more real and bitter
than its predecessor. I received the whole series, as it were, at once.
I felt like a diver rising to the surface through layers of water at
different temperatures, though here the natural order was reversed,
and the cooler strata were uppermost, the heated ones below. Thus, I
was caught by the goblin touch of the willows that fringed the field;
by the sensuous curving of the twisted ash that formed a gateway to
the little grove of sapling oaks where fauns and satyrs lurked to play
in the moonlight before Pagan altars; and by the cloaking darkness,
next, of the copse of stunted pines, close gathered each to each, where
hooded figures stalked behind an awful cross. The episode with the
children seemed to have opened me like a knife. The whole Place rushed
at me.
I suspect this synthesis of many moods produced in me that climax of
loathing and disgust which made me feel the limit of bearable emotion
had been reached, so that I made straight to find Frances in order to
convince her that at any rate _I_ must leave. For, although this was
our last day in the house, and we had arranged to go next day, the
dread was in me that she would still find some persuasive reason for
staying on. And an unexpected incident then made my dread unnecessary.
The front door was open and a cab stood in the drive; a tall, elderly
man was gravely talking in the hall with the parlour-maid we called the
Grenadier. He held a piece of paper in his hand. ‘I have called to see
the house,’ I heard him say, as I ran up the stairs to Frances, who was
peering like an inquisitive child over the banisters....
‘Yes,’ she told me with a sigh, I know not whether of resignation
or relief, ‘the house is to be let or sold. Mabel has decided. Some
Society or other, I believe----’
I was overjoyed: this made our leaving right and possible. ‘You never
told me, Frances!’
‘Mabel only heard of it a few days ago. She told me herself this
morning. It is a chance, she says. Alone she cannot get it “straight.”’
‘Defeat?’ I asked, watching her closely.
‘She thinks she has found a way out. It’s not a family, you see, it’s a
Society, a sort of Community--they go in for thought----’
‘A Community!’ I gasped. ‘You mean religious?’
She shook her head. ‘Not exactly,’ she said smiling, ‘but some kind of
association of men and women who want a headquarters in the country--a
place where they can write and meditate--_think_--mature their plans
and all the rest--I don’t know exactly what.’
‘Utopian dreamers?’ I asked, yet feeling an immense relief come over
me as I heard. But I asked in ignorance, not cynically. Frances would
know. She knew all this kind of thing.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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